


Love Yourself in the Same Way I Do

by doitall, JustFrancy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 12:00:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10019921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doitall/pseuds/doitall, https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustFrancy/pseuds/JustFrancy
Summary: Jongdae and Kyungsoo have history. Seeing it falling apart in front of him, because of their very hot personal trainer, Kyungsoo is once again reminded of why he wanted to be there for Jongdae in the very first place.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for do-itall fic fest (Prompt #58)
> 
> Author's Note: My 4th fic fest in a row and I am very honoured to be part of this. A thanks to my lovely beta for taking the time to look through this massive piece and the admins for always being so kind to me! I hope that you, the prompter, enjoys this longfic, because it cost me a lot of sweat and effort, especially the backstory. I did kind of run away with the prompt, tbqh, that is why I hope you’ll forgive me and like this fic nonetheless!
> 
> Warnings: homophobia, abuse, eating disorders (they’re not the main point of the story though)

Some stars just shine brighter than others, they always did.

 

“Kyungsoo should take Joonmyeon's position,” a bright, clear and definitely quite confident voice chirped. His teammates' eyes were trained on their wing spiker, their new ace. He wasn't quite new but the boy was going to follow in Chanyeol's footsteps and that had to mean a lot; the third year was, after all, standing at 1,83 meters while this new ace was barely reaching 1,70 meters. Everyone was still used to seeing Chanyeol as their ace, but since he retired someone had to take over his position. Kyungsoo still didn’t know how that actually happened.

Or why he was suddenly offered the position which Joonmyeon had been filling up until now; libero. A defensive position within volleyball that seemed to be of utter importance to the team and their upcoming games. While liberos could go back and forth within the game, they were always playing in the back row. They existed to keep the ball in the game, no matter how much rolling or digging that included. In a way, they were the game makers. Kyungsoo was not quite sure why their coach agreed right away with his wing spiker.

He was going to be the solid foundation of the group and Kyungsoo could barely keep up with their practice games as of late. In fact, he had never so much as touched one of their ace's spikes. He had once hit off Chanyeol's, but that was seemingly luck since the third year directed the ball at him. As for their second year wing spiker; never had a ball been this far out of reach.

“He's been training alone a lot, guys. He can handle any ball,” the wing spiker spoke up again, noticing how everyone's eyes were suddenly on Kyungsoo, whose hands were nervously rubbing his thighs. Kyungsoo knew he was doing it, but his hands felt sweaty and their eyes were boring right through him and that was the moment he decided that attention was not his thing. Expectations seemed to grow, putting the boy under pressure. Different from his parent's, but ever so present. He really didn't like it.

“Hey guys, believe me. Kyungsoo can make it happen. He was born to play in the back row. I'll make sure to score meanwhile.” The wing spiker proudly hit his chest with his fist before laughing, everyone tuning in, because when hadn't this boy been the mood maker of their team? The bright sunshine in the morning, motivating everyone thoroughly by making tough speeches or the sun setting at dawn where he patted their backs, telling them that they were doing magnificently.

He wasn’t the leader yet everyone treasured him all the same. Kyungsoo's almost smile faltered, a frown instead gracing his features as his head hung low. There was an appreciative clap on his shoulder and the dark haired boy looked upwards, meeting his coach's eyes. There were words of good luck and that everyone was counting on him, but it seemed far away, just like the team's expectations and, right now, also their attention. Joonmyeon had his arms wrapped around the ace's waist, almost possessively (although that might have been Kyungsoo's over-analysis of a relationship he didn't understand), while there was Chanyeol laughing loudly before hitting the wing spiker's back a few times, like a seal waiting for its food.

He was grateful for the ace's words though. He understood. He was born to play in the back row. He was born to go unnoticed. So why was he changing paces now – when Jongdae had put everything into stone with his explanation? Kyungsoo grit his teeth. Attention was most natural for the ace. He could see Jongdae's bright grin, blinding him before he could finally avert his gaze. This boy was making him uncomfortable by just looking at him and now he had to actually hit his spikes? Kyungsoo was lost, regretting his life choices.

Changes were not good. His mum was lying.

Jongdae was outshining him, he was weak in comparison, and inspiration was getting him nowhere. His passion was just not as strong as Jongdae's.

Yeah, he was born to play in the back row.

✪

It was only the second week of training and Kyungsoo wanted to throw everything away, especially the team's uniform. With their third years leaving, the team was slowly starting to panic. They had to fill in those big empty spots which were left behind by their best players. Inspiration alone wasn't going to cut it anymore for Kyungsoo, he had to work hard.

If that was all, then maybe he could’ve done it, but there were so many eyes on him as if he had to prove himself worthy. Worthy of the role that was handed to him on a tray of sparkling stars. It was so bright that Kyungsoo feared he could never put the spotlight on his team. It was like his light had somehow lost its intensity, like a fire burning low before it disappeared into thin air. Any blow would do the same to him.

With a loud thud, Kyungsoo turned his head, watching the ball bounce away right besides him. “31,” someone counted and the boy turned back again. He briefly glanced at Sehun, who glared daggers at him, and the dark haired student could feel the pain dripping into his heart. “Let's try again,” Sehun said, but the words were clearly not directed at Kyungsoo. Big doe eyes fixated on their ace, Jongdae, gearing up to jump again and hit the ball with the passion of an exploding volcano (maybe even a thousand).

Kyungsoo prepared himself mentally once more, as he had done 31 times before.

Needless to say, he didn't even manage to reach it. It was like the court had decided against him and it was all in Jongdae's hands. The ones who shine the brightest always got to Kyungsoo. That burning passion, he wanted to hate it, too.

Too bad he had nothing but admiration left for Jongdae, who had a lopsided grin on his lips before his eyes locked onto Kyungsoo's. “Sehun, that was awful.” The setter beside him cocked an eyebrow, not spending another second of his attention before pushing Jongdae away and calling it quits.

There was the sound of feet shuffling behind him, and Kyungsoo turned around to spot Zitao running away with most of their equipment. The loner decided to grab a ball for himself before the other managed to put everything back into its rightful place. Kyungsoo tried to smile faintly when Zitao's eyes were on him again, a silent question written on the younger male's face.

“I'll put it back myself.” Zitao nodded once before disappearing into their changing room. The gym was empty again, like days prior, like every time Kyungsoo decided to stay behind. Joining this club was more like an escape. A silent plea to be left alone by everyone who once counted on him. Kyungsoo knew he had failed them and since it didn't work out, since he had disappointed them, he didn't feel like trying anymore.

He still remembered his mother's eyes. Hateful and full of animosity. His father didn't even lift his head up, eyes glued to the new magazine. All because of one single mathematics competition. Kyungsoo decided then and there that he didn't exist to please others. He was going to find something for himself. All for himself, for no one else.

Like a moth to a flame.

The bright light of happiness and confidence captured him. Enraptured him completely, as he watched the graceful figure of Kim Jongdae floating through the air. The whistle blew loudly, scaring Kyungsoo when loud cheers erupted from everywhere around him. Loads of hands and compliments raining down on Jongdae as his eyes looked over the crowd.

There were small crinkles around his eyes, high cheekbones enamouring the girls he looked at before his eyes somehow spotted Kyungsoo. The outsider felt alarmed, immediately retreating from the bleachers.

He didn't like to play with fire.

✪

Apparently he’d been wrong about that when the girl managers came around the school, scouting people for their volleyball club which was missing important members in a few months. Kyungsoo knew he shouldn't have tried.

In a way, he’d always been a fool.

Ever since his break up with Baekhyun, he was deeply assured that there had been things that went wrongly. Things he thought he had no control of, but he had mostly been lying to himself. Kyungsoo could have told his parents about his preferences instead of keeping it a secret and angering Baekhyun, denying him as he met with girls behind his back to please his mother.

Baekhyun was right back then, a break up was for the best. Back then was just 5 months ago, but it always seemed like a much longer time to Kyungsoo. Not even a week after their break up and the failed maths competition, he decided to confront his parents. Perhaps it had always been a push that he needed, it was his second year of high school after all. He couldn't always claim to be someone else when his heart was dripping tears of blood.

Needlessly to say, they were shook. They threw him out onto the street and Kyungsoo was lucky to find a small place to stay, that was offered to him by Baekhyun. It came as a surprise, knowing that the other hated him for everything Kyungsoo had done to hurt him. Perhaps a tiny bit of feelings still remained within Baekhyun's heart. He wouldn't know and his ex boyfriend wouldn't tell him.

At least he had thought so until his phone vibrated, spelling his ex boyfriend's name in bright bold letters. Kyungsoo had never changed the contact's title since it suited the other, loud and obnoxious but still as intense as the sun on a hot summer day.

It took him less than a minute to realise that Baekhyun was drunk and at some random place. Still, he didn't miss a beat as he put on his jacket and went to the address that his ex had texted him. Kyungsoo had heard about the club, which opened up just last week. Sehun had talked about it during their last team meeting and there had been a small kitten grin on Jongdae's lips, which kind of fascinated Kyungsoo.

Sometimes he thought that Baekhyun and Jongdae were awfully similar.

Upon reaching the building, he was stopped in front of the entrance by two very tall, broad shouldered men. Yeah, Kyungsoo guessed that he didn't look much like a party boy. To be quite honest, he’d never even been to such a place and the loud music was deafening, draining him of his last spark of energy. He didn't want to think about being inside when it was already this awful outside.

Seeing that the two men were not very bright and thus easy to trick, he told them the most heartfelt, moving story he could make up, something along the lines of 'my sister's keeper'. Kyungsoo was a big movie fan and had just seen that one yesterday which was very, very impressive given he had a hard time holding the tears back that were threatening to fall from his eyes. So he simply told them that he had less than 2 weeks to live and that he'd like to experience everything he hadn't done until now.

Perhaps lying was a talent, too. At least he seemed to have convinced them since they pushed him through the door. Eyes immediately tried to search for a familiar figure while he was wondering about Baekhyun. What was he going to say? Keep on insulting him for being a closeted gay? Not that he was anymore. Maybe Baekhyun got to know that from somewhere though, since their families were close. Maybe he was going to be really mad?

It didn't take him too long to find Baekhyun since the other was currently trying to be very trendy, the red hair illuminated by a bright, blinding neon light. Upon reaching his ex, Kyungsoo slid into the chair across from him, sighing slightly as he stared at Baekhyun, taking in the sight of a young wasted boy who couldn't even keep his eyes open for a longer time.

“So you're here.” Kyungsoo merely nodded not even trying to comment on how slurred Baekhyun's voice sounded. That aside, he had to lean forward in order to understand even a word as the music was trying to predominate their conversation, if Kyungsoo could call it that because honestly, he hardly felt like talking.

“Still the old loser and friendless type, as I can see.” Kyungsoo could still remember how he managed to grab Baekhyun's attention. Their families had always been close and in middle school both suddenly met as their classes prepared for a small stage play. He also remembered Baekhyun's words of praise after their presentation. Kyungsoo had played the main protagonist back then, while Baekhyun took over a minor role. It came as a surprise when the other approached him one day uttering words of appraisal. Though Kyungsoo had to mention that Baekhyun had been very physical back then.

The boy loved hugs, he loved cuddling close to Kyungsoo, he loved to feel the boy's skin against his lips because that was where Baekhyun would be, mostly leaning into the crook of his neck as if it was the most comfortable place in history. Baekhyun also loved touching Kyungsoo's thighs, loved to feel him up or simply throw himself at the loner. Kyungsoo never felt the need to push Baekhyun away though. He liked the attention, the intimacy, the way Baekhyun worshipped him in a not so subtle manner.

He knew as a freshman that he was probably not going to be interested in girls. He was never interested and he doubted that his feelings would change. Besides there was Baekhyun proving him to be right. It was never more than that though. Kyungsoo thought they had been clean about that but for Baekhyun it seemed like they were boyfriends.

Kyungsoo could barely call it a break up, could barely call Baekhyun his ex but since the other did just that, he followed Baekhyun's example.

“Still the friendly person who everyone loves and adores. Too bad they all don't know you're fucking gay and that you’d love some cock buried inside of you.”

“You're unbelievable,” Baekhyun spit, trying hard to keep his eyes open and glare at the boy across from him. Kyungsoo merely shrugged his shoulders. He was not ashamed of what he did. He was not the only one keeping his sexuality a secret. They just kept it from different people. Kyungsoo valued the bond to his parents and Baekhyun his lovely friends. If the loner was to be honest though, then none of them mattered by now. Or at least they shouldn't.

His parents had abandoned him and he guessed that they weren't worth the effort. If Baekhyun's friends were going to abandon Baekhyun, too, then they weren't worth it either. Despite their clash, he liked to think that the other deserved better. Deserved real friends who were going to support him, who were able to see his real self without doubts, worries or bias.

“Am I supposed to blush and escape?” Kyungsoo asked, shaking his head a little. “Besides, that is not the issue. Why did you even text me?” He tilted his head, keeping his eyes on Baekhyun's which were threatening to shut down, much like the other's brain. The alcohol was probably already kicking in and he knew the other well enough to know that Baekhyun never stopped. The boy was a fucking lightweight. How could he even do that?

“How could you leave me?”

“Why are you asking me, when you've already got a new one?” Kyungsoo asked back, doing the thing Baekhyun hated. Answering a question with another.

“I—It doesn't just end.” Kyungsoo liked to think that Baekhyun was not speaking about his feelings, but about his new boyfriend. The student had seen them days prior together in the toilet. Only god knew what they did.

“Cherish him, Baekhyun. He cherishes you, too, and you're being awfully unfair right now,” Kyungsoo said sternly, one hand grabbing the desk. There was one thing he couldn't stand and that was Baekhyun being pitiful. Being sad. Being all kinds of negative stuff. “We simply worshipped our bodies. That was all it was. We were way too young anyway... We were just curious, curious about discovering ourselves.”

“You were wonderful. I want you—“

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo reminded the other wondering if the other's new and formidable boyfriend was here as well. The idea was stupid though because why would he leave Baekhyun to sit here all by himself drinking while enjoying himself elsewhere?

“Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo turned to his right at the loud voice and there was suddenly their third year ace, Chanyeol. The taller one looked at the loner for a moment, smiling slightly before he dragged Baekhyun off his chair. “Sorry, he's kind of drunk and I swore to take him home, but you know, Joonmyeon still wanted to clink glasses and shit because of the next competitions. We wanted to say goodbye, too. You guys are gonna be awesome.”

Why was he justifying himself? Why was he talking as if they were friends, as if they had actually interchanged words prior to meeting in this club? Kyungsoo was dumbfounded, not even questioning the situation anymore. It was clear that no one wanted the outsider to be at their party, thus they didn't bother inviting him. In a way he tried not to be sad but nothing about this was screaming 'motivation' at him either.

Kyungsoo gestured for Chanyeol to leave, but Baekhyun wouldn't. He pulled Chanyeol down possessively, lips meeting in a chaste kiss because apparently Chanyeol was not fine with this public display of affection, although he seemed less secretive about his sexuality than Baekhyun and Kyungsoo had been months ago. So their third year and former ace was Baekhyun's new boyfriend. That was reassuring, because the boy was dependable. He could probably protect his boyfriend. His height was intimidating enough.

“Kyungsoo... my ex, meet Chanyeol.” The dark haired boy's eyes snapped open, fingers fiddling with his jeans as the third year's eyes bored right through him. Whatever sympathy Chanyeol had for him seconds ago was gone now. Much like their presence at the club.

Kyungsoo huffed, wondering what he had done in his previous life. He really must have broken fundamental rules. Why else would the world be against him? Would be this harsh on him? He looked at the empty glass that Baekhyun had left to stand on the table before taking a look around. He guessed that his lovely team was somewhere hiding on the upper stage where the lights weren't so invading, not so bright and absolutely annoying.

So Kyungsoo got up a moment later, walking over to the toilet because he really needed to take a piss. Baekhyun after all destroyed his free and relaxing evening. That bastard actually had the nerve to introduce him to his new boyfriend. In a way Kyungsoo felt bad for not caring much, but Chanyeol's icy and cold stare managed to make the hairs at his neck stand at alert.

Once finished, he went over to wash his hands but not before he laid eyes on a very familiar figure. Inwardly he couldn't stop the groan. It only occurred to him moments later that Kyungsoo had not been doing this quietly, because a pair of dark eyes was suddenly locked onto his. They were glassy and weak, his face was very wet as well. Kyungsoo deduced that the boy was desperately trying to stay awake, to actually manage the intake of alcohol.

He knew from tell tales that Kim fucking Jongdae was not exactly a lightweight. He believed those tells, but he also knew what Jongdae loved doing. Watching from the sidelines had taught him a lot of things this year, particularly about this little kitten. Jongdae might be a bit older, but Kyungsoo could hardly find it in him to respect that, not with the way Jongdae acted around others.

He truly despised him.

And in the same moment he admired the boy.

It also only occurred to him now that they had never actually exchanged words, just glances.

A laugh fell from Jongdae's lips and Kyungsoo's eyes searched for the other's again, but the volleyball ace had turned back again, splashing some more water at his face, hands gripping the edge of the washbasin. Kyungsoo could see his knuckles turning white.

Jongdae was like a sacrificial lamb. He loved it. There was the attention, the eyes on him and the loving of his teammates. Jongdae loved being happy and yes, he was happy when they were all happy, when he could please them all. One ought to teach the boy that he couldn't please everyone. Kyungsoo knew about his haters, because heck, the boy was stealing every girl's heart with just the fluttering of his eyelashes. No boy exactly liked that, but he even tried to please them.

It was like he gave himself away without a second thought, without much consideration for himself. Kyungsoo had watched him in the library for hours, as the boy worked his ass off, his partner to his left with a cellphone in her hands. From time to time, she would call for his attention, nudge him and he would briefly take a look at her cellphone before putting his all into the preparation for their presentation. He watched him stay behind or fill in the other's duties while missing his own appointments. Watched him laugh about missing his vocal lessons the next day, that his parents were not mad at him. He watched the others around him, their physical intimacy and how they told him, that he was living such a perfect life.

Such a thing did not exist in Kyungsoo's opinion and there were a lot of things wrong about Jongdae. One ought to clarify that.

“You should go home.” Before he could stop himself, he was standing next to Jongdae's fragile self. He looked like he could topple over or break into two, if someone were to poke him. Kyungsoo couldn't bear to watch their ace in such a miserable state. He also briefly wondered if they liked seeing him this broken or if they simply ignored it. Perhaps they were as drunk as he was? Even then Joonmyeon should still have the fucking decency—

“Kyungsoo,” Jongdae chuckled, successfully disturbing Kyungsoo's thoughts. The loner didn't like how his name rolled off the other's tongue.

“GO FUCKING HOME.” There was an arm next to Jongdae's head and Kyungsoo's body cornering him. The smaller one didn't exactly know how that happened, but he didn't feel like going away either. “Stop this show. Stop trying to please everyone and go the fuck home.”

“I didn't know you had it in you to actually talk to me.” This boy seriously didn't know his limits. Kyungsoo's eyebrow twitched in annoyance. So Jongdae was still there with him, still knew Kyungsoo and still had it in him to make fun of poor little Kyungsoo.

“Oh Kim Jongdae, you don't know all of the things I am capable of.” Kyungsoo leaned back, letting Jongdae regain his space on his own, but the boy did not even move an inch. “Besides not hitting any of your spikes. That much had to be clear to you when you actually nominated me. Must be hurtful when you were that inseparable dream duo with Joonmyeon. I am not really sorry though, cause you know... I was born to play in the back row. I have to thank you.”

“You're... being sarcastic?” Jongdae laughed, loudly and obnoxious, deafening if Kyungsoo had to put it into words. The ace threw his head back against the wall and really, the boy's neck was so delicate that Kyungsoo could have easily wrapped his hands around it.

“You're laughing for no apparent reason.” Jongdae looked over to Kyungsoo, lips turned up at the edges, like they always were. As if he was indeed perpetually smiling. This was so awful.

“But we never talked. I thought you hated me.”

“I loathe you, a lot of people do and somehow you still inspire me to try a little more, to do better. I know, I won't reach—“

“You don't have to reach Joonmyeon's level, nobody expects you to.” Kyungsoo's eyes widened and he pushed Jongdae quite hard against the wall, the grip tightening around Jongdae's thin arms.

“You're the only one who doesn't. I know you're going easy on me sometimes. Kim Jongdae, I have two eyes and I see you're not feeling well and I think you should go home now.” In the fit of his rage Kyungsoo had lifted Jongdae's sleeves, revealing few blue bruises staring up at him angrily. Jongdae didn't seem to realise that, his body fell forward, using Kyungsoo as support to stand upright.

“Fuck,” Kyungsoo groaned, wrapping an arm around Jongdae's waist. He pulled down the other's sleeves before anyone would even start to notice, if in case they were to meet someone. It kind of made sense to Kyungsoo that their ace's shirt's sleeves were a little longer. He didn't feel like questioning Jongdae though, not that the other would answer him appropriately.

There was a knock and the loner turned around in surprise, spotting Joonmyeon leaning against the door of the toilet which suddenly was frustratingly empty, much to Kyungsoo's demise. He wasn't scared, just a tad uncomfortable. There was something about Joonmyeon that told him to make a quick escape and leave Jongdae with him. This relationship was beyond his understanding, wasn't it?

“I was wondering where you were Jongdae. Also nice to see you, Kyungsoo.” It sounded less friendly than his words indicated. Well, a captain needed to have that certain aura of authority. Kyungsoo felt inclined to follow Joonmyeon's orders every time but this time around, he really couldn't help the rebel inside of him.

“Well, you can give him to me—“

“We're going home,” Kyungsoo stated, Jongdae's hand reaching out to grab Kyungsoo's right hand while his left arm kept the ace stable. He never thought of going against Joonmyeon's words or much less interrupting the captain, but this really wasn't okay. Absent-mindedly he sliced his fingers with Jongdae's and carefully pushed past his hyung.

“Kyungsoo, I—“

“I'll take him home, don't worry. I know I actually don't exist for you guys and there are a lot of things I don't understand about the team or you and this ace in particular, but I am not entirely blind.” Kyungsoo turned around to glare at Joonmyeon, who seemed to swallow hard. Maybe there was regret or anger, maybe both, or even neither. Kyungsoo didn't feel like prying into Joonmyeon's business which had always been Jongdae.

“Take... him home safely, okay? Apologize to him for me, if he happens to be sober by then.” Kyungsoo felt his grip tightening around the ace's waist. Somehow he also felt like punching Joonmyeon. What was he trying? What was he apologizing for? Kyungsoo shook his head in disbelief, but still managed to drag Jongdae out of the club. Everything was instantly better.

“Are you angry at me?” Jongdae's voice was awfully soft and weak, almost inaudible when the wind hit them hard. He noticed the goosebumps on the other's skin and sighed slightly as he headed for his own home which was only a few minutes away by foot. He doubted that Jongdae would be able to navigate them to his home by now.

“What if I were?” Kyungsoo asked, head turning to look at the boy besides him.

A chuckle followed and Kyungsoo's eyebrows furrowed together. “You're answering my question with another one and that's unfair. Yep, Soo is a very unfair person.” The loner raised an eyebrow, only mildly wondering how Jongdae was able to process his words while making up nicknames. Not even Baekhyun had called him that.

“I am not,” Kyungsoo answered, pushing Jongdae along the pavement. “Your turn.”

“That would have been sad.” There was this very cute pout playing around Jongdae's lips.

“We have barely spoken to each other, Jongdae.”

“That doesn't mean I have been blind to you, Kyungsoo. You're academically the best in class, although I am trying very hard. I bet it's easy to you though and now you're playing volleyball, too, trying to outshine—“

“Nobody outshines the sun, Jongdae,” Kyungsoo interrupted the older one and there was this unreadable look on Jongdae's face telling the loner what he had known all along. He did not understand Jongdae. Yet he inspired Kyungsoo.

No further word followed the conversation, not even when they reached Kyungsoo's small flat. He laid out the mattress for Jongdae who immediately collapsed on it, limbs sprawled out as he was quietly breathing. Kyungsoo knelt down, tucking the boy under the covers before noticing a wet trace leading from Jongdae's eye down to his chin. It was dried by now.

Perfect, he scoffed inside.

Jongdae's life couldn't be farther away from perfect.

✪

The next day arrived a little too quickly for Kyungsoo. He was preparing breakfast for himself and Jongdae, who was currently lying down on the small couch in the living room. The ace hadn't spoken a word and most of the time he held his head in his hands which led Kyungsoo to one simple resolution; Jongdae was having a hangover. He thought it was better if he simply did not even try interacting with the other.

When Jongdae joined him in the kitchen however, Kyungsoo deemed this task impossible. Big doe eyes glanced over to the petite young man who was eyeing the food suspiciously, probably wondering where Kyungsoo had hidden the poison. “It's not deadly,” he commented upon seeing Jongdae approaching the desk. He seemed careful.

There was a brief moment of silence before Jongdae sat down and eagerly ate up anything that had been offered to him; a few sandwiches, pancakes, boiled eggs which were leftovers from the day before and also the salad Kyungsoo had put in the fridge two days ago. Jongdae was a glutton and ate until there was nothing left. The younger male looked at his teammate for a moment before placing everything in the sink.

Somewhere he had counted himself in, but Jongdae ate a lot more and quicker than Kyungsoo had thought was possible, especially for someone with such a fragile thin body.

“Home cooking. Nice.” Kyungsoo turned around quickly, watching the ace get up from the desk before walking out of the kitchen. It was not even a minute later that the bell rang and the younger male made his way over to open the door. He was not expecting guests but he figured that Jongdae's parents might come along to fetch their son. There was a stern gaze on him when the door opened up.

“Jongdae?” There was a push and Kyungsoo's back hit the wall. Had he just been treated like air? The unnecessary part of air? His eyes widened when the man moved further into his flat before pulling out Jongdae, who seemed to have tried hiding somewhere. Kyungsoo wondered briefly if he saw a scene from a very bad and tragic film when the intruder dragged their team's ace behind him, grip tightly around the boy's upper arm. There was nothing left to imagination when Kyungsoo remembered the bruises.

He didn't stop the man though, because he was obviously Jongdae's father and Kyungsoo was taken aback as the young man struggled harshly, looking like he wanted to escape the country, eyes glassy and cheeks wet. One tug, and another. Jongdae's hand grabbing the edge of the door frame was the last thing Kyungsoo saw of him. the last words he heard between sobs and insults, screams and a high pitched cry were _help me_.

✪

He met Jongdae again in school. The boy was all smiles, giggles and flirty, much like the person the male always pretended to be. Deep down – Kyungsoo knew it for sure now – Jongdae was hurting like no one else, although the loner did not know why. Why were his parents treating him like this? Why was Jongdae trying so hard to be liked and accepted by everyone? Why did he have to pretend to be happy when he clearly had no reason to?

 _Crack_.

Kyungsoo looked down at his broken pencil, a sigh escaping his lips.

✪

Kyungsoo thus tried not to watch, knowing it would only add gasoline to the fire of his rage. It wasn't long however, until he forgot about his plan. It was around lunch where Kyungsoo was sitting in a corner far away from the popular ones in the cafeteria. He was part of the volleyball team – the stars of the school, the bearer of everyone's pride – but nobody had ever acknowledged him.

He doubted in a way that Jongdae did, although the latter at least knew his name.

The outsider was about get up when someone slid into the chair across of him, someone very tall, much like a giant with way too long legs. Kyungsoo felt intimidated for a short moment until Chanyeol's palms hit the surface of the desk, his face highlighted by a goofy big smile. It irked Kyungsoo in the worst ways. Bipolar much?

“I apologise for yesterday, that was awful of me. Despite what Baekhyun may have told you, he's very grateful to you. He won't say it, but I know it and after hearing his story, I figured I had to thank you. I was just so pissed that Baekhyun still... still seeks you out, because we're together and it hu-”

“Hurts,” Kyungsoo finished the other's sentence, eyes locked onto Chanyeol's big ones, “I understand, but rest assured, I've got no more interest in Baekhyun in that way. Sometimes I thought that perhaps we could be friends, but I know that is not possible because Baekhyun is very angry at me and I also think he's right. I really did let him fall only to realise a few months later, that I would have been better off without my family, their consent or hate.”

Chanyeol nodded slightly, hands clasping the edge of the desk by now, while his eyes seemed to be searching for something in the room. Maybe even someone. “I think he's in good hands now though.” Despite Chanyeol's kind of brash behaviour, he seemed very dependable. Kyungsoo ought to know, because he's seen him play for almost a year now. He was the former ace, but not just in power or height, no, he could lead the team well, he could motivate them even if the responsibility lay with Joonmyeon.

Speaking of that guy...

Kyungsoo turned his head, tilting it a little to watch Jongdae through the small gap in between students. He was currently tucked close to the former captain of the team. He liked to address the third years as former members since they didn't attend practice anymore, neither were they going to participate in any upcoming competitions. It was much of a mystery to him, why they were still sitting together every day when most of them should be studying.

Kyungsoo kept his gaze steady a little longer, the corner of his lips twitching when Joonmyeon and Jongdae started laughing simultaneously. “Ah, I have to thank you.” Kyungsoo lifted his head, staring over to Chanyeol again. He had almost forgotten about the poor boy.

“What for?”

“You took Jongdae home. He told me, you know? Said you're a damn good cook and that your small flat is lovely, very cosy and moment, what did he say?” Chanyeol scratched his chin and was seemingly deep in thoughts before he finally continued, “Oh, he said that your sleeping face is really cute, like a penguin.” Kyungsoo cocked an eyebrow, wondering if Chanyeol had just made that up.

“It's true! Don't look at me like that.” He saw the giant pouting and nodded slightly. Yeah of course, he was cute like a penguin.

“You see, Jongdae is our new ace and he always had it in him to lead a group or to motivate them. He already rendered everyone speechless upon joining. It's because of him that we're doing well. I also know that I should have taken him home yesterday because he overdid it, but I was too concerned about Baekhyun. Sorting out my priorities would have taken too long. So I am very grateful to you for taking care of our baby. I think that... I want you to become someone very valuable, too.”

Kyungsoo cocked his eyebrows up and Chanyeol nodded before scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. The loner only thought that it took the giant a massive amount of braveness to tell him. Either that, or he was just saying stuff to motivate their new libero. Nobody else did, after all.

“So Joonmyeon,” Kyungsoo started speaking up, mouth seemingly a step ahead of his brain, “and Jongdae... They're a thing?”Chanyeol only stared at him and the small male back down, thinking that he said something very stupid a moment ago. He couldn't blame Chanyeol now, if he didn't understand because Kyungsoo didn't do so either. It was not usual for him to poke his nose into another one's business.

“Absolutely not.” Chanyeol turned his head, probably looking over to where Jongdae and Joonmyeon where sitting. “You know, Joonmyeon might have a thing for Jongdae, but...” Kyungsoo kept looking at the boy across of him, but when Chanyeol didn't continue, he dared taking a look into the direction the other was looking in.

His breath stopped for a moment when Jongdae suddenly met his eyes. Feline kitten lips seemed to smile at him and Kyungsoo was sure now; he had made too much of an effort. His right hand grabbed his bag, not spending anymore of his attention on a person who was confusing the heck out of him. He liked reading books and he liked understanding the plot, the words, loved it when things made sense. Jongdae did not.

Kyungsoo got up from his chair, surprising Chanyeol who turned to look at him. “Jongdae's still a cute, innocent, wonderful butterfly. Shouldn't you know?”

“What?” Kyungsoo inquired, leaning over the desk before tilting his head.

“You took him home when he was drunk—“

“He could barely stand! He was not simply splashing water at his face to wake himself up. No, he had thrown up. I didn't say anything, but I am not entirely stupid, although it might appear that way to you all. You treasure him? Then you should have done something, should have told him to stop! That— _he_ should have said something! Don't tell him to stay behind on practices when he has his vocal lessons! Don't even think of begging him to stay! If you really truly value him, then give him the freedom he needs! Don't burden him and don't take advantage of his undeniably and unbearable strong desire to make others around him happy. There's no true happiness if he can't even be a bit egoistic.”

Seeing that Chanyeol had nothing more to say, Kyungsoo left the table. Never had he spoken this loudly to someone else. Never was he exactly this angry either. Not even when he came out to his parents and they threw him out of their house. No, this really was the peak of his emotions. 

Kyungsoo was assured that no one else had listened in on them, because that could end up slightly embarrassing. The cafeteria was also a pretty loud place usually, so he really didn't have to worry about a thing. At least he hoped so quite dearly.

✪

It was another day of long continuous practice when Kyungsoo got to discover another side of Kim Jongdae. Maybe this was becoming kind of a thing now.

The small male stood behind once again to practice his receiving with the girl managers. There were two of them who somehow always stuck to Kyungsoo, if the boy wanted to keep training. If he didn't know better he'd say that they were having a very passionate crush on him. Most likely they were just being nice though, because they knew that the boy still had to prove himself. Maybe it was pity, too, Kyungsoo didn't really care. The passion and love he had harboured once seemed like a joke to him by now.

It was nothing against Kim Jongdae's. The boy made it seem so easy while Kyungsoo was working his ass off. It was not that the other was a natural. Surely, Jongdae was capable and kind of talented but he worked harder than anyone else in their practices. Sometimes he would stay behind as well, spiking for Kyungsoo, wordlessly. Sehun would help them but the boy was often not even motivated enough to stay for 30 more minutes.

The girl managers would then act as the setter for Jongdae. By now, Kyungsoo was assured that the managers only waited for Jongdae to join them, because who wouldn't give a penny to have Jongdae around them? Kyungsoo shook his head. No, no, no.

Jongdae would never utter a word, if it was only the four of them. The loner didn't speak up either, mostly because he was not in the place to. This was their ace after all and Kyungsoo found himself respecting that fact. That was easy, because Jongdae's burning passion smoked Kyungsoo out, quite literally.

If Jongdae was the brightest star on the night sky, then Kyungsoo was the moon without a sun. Nobody to lighten him up, to ignite his fire. He was laughable and sometimes he could only wonder why he tried so hard in the first place, why he kept on taping his fingers and why kept on wanting to receive Jongdae's spikes?

That was it, the world stopped making sense. Jongdae was not like Baekhyun. That redhead didn't pull at Kyungsoo's strings like the ace did, unknowingly or not.

Perhaps he really wanted for Jongdae to be the bright sun.

While Kyungsoo was still immersed deeply in his thoughts, Jongdae ran off into their changing room. It was much later that the new libero realised the lack of his teammate. He sighed before eventually waddling over to follow Jongdae. He heard the shower from far away and closed the door, wondering if he should join Jongdae or leave it be. There was enough space though, so he could either go into a corner or stay as far away as possible while taking one of the first showers.

Kyungsoo looked at his hands for a moment, thinking that it was pretty stupid to actually think of hiding away. After all that he had seen, but he also wished to respect Jongdae and whatever decision he met that day. Then again, he might not even be aware of Kyungsoo's knowledge about his bruises. The small male scratched the back of his head, a small sigh falling from his lips.

He seriously was not the wisest or good at comforting others.

Could this get anymore awkward?

Kyungsoo took off his clothes after much contemplation and eventually used one of the showers close to the door while Jongdae was standing in a corner far away.

He tried hard. Tried hard not to look but his curiosity got the better of him and he turned around. Jongdae didn't even seem to realise that the loner joined him. Perhaps it was better that way, Kyungsoo nodded to himself.

_Blink._

He tilted his head, feeling breathless for a second. Jongdae was not just—

There was a dull loud sound and Kyungsoo watched the shampoo bottle hitting the floor in front of him. Just how could he forget the world around him when Jongdae was around? Then again, he hadn't thought of peeking at Jongdae jerking off. He didn't even want to think of what the ace nowadays thought about him anymore.

This couldn't possibly get worse.

Kyungsoo turned his head again, eyes meeting Jongdae's who backed into the wall. He didn't exactly look surprised. There was not a faint track of cockyness either. Not the usual smile where his feline lips would turn into thin lines, not even that deafening laugh.

“D-Don't look, please.” Kyungsoo's head spun back around, picking up the shampoo from the tiles below him. “I-I... Please don't tell anyone.” Perhaps it was stupid of Kyungsoo to have thought that Jongdae was not able of apologising. “I-I'm so so sorry. I know this is disgusting and all—“ The smaller one looked over to where the ace was leaning against the cold wall. His voice was so quiet, the male could barely catch on.

He didn't even realise that he had approached the other until he was only standing a step away from Jongdae, the shampoo still in his hands. “Disgusting?” he asked, hand reaching forward to pull the other away from the cold tiles. He barely spend any attention on the ace's hands or the imposing hard-on. Kyungsoo was not that perverted but Jongdae's words caught him off guard.

“Well, I am... isn't it?” he asked back, certainly unsure of what he was doing. His eyes were tightly locked onto Kyungsoo's, who only shook his head.

“As far as I am concerned, it's something very natural,” Kyungsoo informed him, trying to smile slightly, but the ace's puzzled expression almost made him want to laugh, if it weren't for the shame that was written all over Jongdae's pretty face. “No need to hide.” He pushed the slightly taller one's hands away from his crotch, eyes still focused on Jongdae's. Looking was not written down in the gentleman's book of correct behaviour, right?

“You... do that, too?”

“Everyone does, don't be a fool, Jongdae. Man it up.” He nudged Jongdae who immediately backed down, back meeting the cold tiles again.

“I wish it was!”

Kyungsoo blinked, the confusion probably visible on his face because what was getting Jongdae at even? What was he trying to tell him by acting all coy and shy and naïve and embarrassed? Where was the usual Jongdae?

 _Usual_. He didn't even know Jongdae, did he?

“So... what about it is not natural? Which boy doesn't masturbate at our age? Jongdae, you should know—“

“These thoughts! It's like a... a sickness.” Jongdae's hands were cupping either side of his head, face scrunching up before he started trembling. That was nothing Kyungsoo could bear watching without feeling like a terrible piece of shit. He didn't like feeling that way. He thought, that for once he could be egoistic.

So he pulled Jongdae away from the tiles and into the changing room. He covered the boy in two of his towels before putting Jongdae's on his head. Kyungsoo pushed him down on the bench and knelt down, hands holding onto the other's because he was still trembling although it was slowly starting to get less and less until Jongdae was sitting there quietly, fingers laced with Kyungsoo's.

“I wasn't thinking of a girl.”

Why was he telling him?

“I know, I don't make sense.” Kyungsoo feared that Jongdae never did and that this was not much of a surprise anymore either.

“Then who were you thinking of while... following your desires?”

“You say it as if it's the most natural thing on earth...” Jongdae's eyes stared into nothingness before they met Kyungsoo's big ones again. “But it's not, because... because,” the boy bit down his lip and there was a small yelp, feet stomping before he continued talking, “I was thinking about Yixing. Please don't tell—“

“I think I missed your point.”

Jongdae merely stared at Kyungsoo who was slowly thinking that maybe he was the weird one here.

“Well, I don't get what the problem is...” Kyungsoo sat down besides Jongdae who turned a little to look at the other, body's leaning over to snuggle into his side.

He had thought of a lot of scenarios, but for Jongdae to seek his warmth and... advice?

“Yixing is... male, like me.” Kyungsoo nodded. That was something he knew fairly well. Everybody did. Yixing was an exchange student who only joined their team 4-5 months ago. The slightly taller male was one of their pinch servers and everybody knew that he was insanely good at serving. That probably didn't go unnoticed by Jongdae either.

Though he hadn't pictured Yixing to be Jongdae's type.

Kyungsoo remained looking at the boy at his side for a moment longer. He hadn't pictured for Jongdae to be into guys either or maybe he was both? Whatever the shit his sexuality was, he couldn't care less.

“I think we all know that, Jongdae, but there is no problem. So what if you masturbate with a man in mind? There's nothing—“ The look in Jongdae's eyes made him want to think otherwise for a moment, because there was so much pain and insecurity looking up at him. Still, there was nothing to actually think about. “There's nothing wrong about that, about you or your sexuality. Jongdae, you're still discovering yourself.”

“But I—“

“It's alright, look at me.” He cupped Jongdae's face, clearly defined high cheekbones beneath his fingers while Kyungsoo's eyes could not be turned away from those eyelashes. “It's just fine. It's not a problem and there's nothing you need to fix. There's only one thing, Jongdae. You need to accept it. You need to embrace it.”

Like Kyungsoo had embraced himself months ago. He wished he could do it for Jongdae. He wished he could have talked more. There was so much more that Jongdae actually needed to talk about, but no words left those kitten lips again.

✪

Persons change over time.

His parents told him that one time and Kyungsoo had denied it, because he hadn't just changed. He had grown. He had experiences and something told him that it was the same for Jongdae.

He might have been awfully wrong about that though.

Nothing had changed, apparently. Kyungsoo was still at the sidelines, was still sitting alone in the cafeteria, although Chanyeol would occasionally go out of his way to greet the boy. Kyungsoo was the official libero by now but his teammates were still ignorant. Those were all situations and circumstances that Kyungsoo had learned to handle.

They were all acceptable, because there were the female managers joining him from time to time, even when he was in the library studying. A voice within him seemed convinced that the girls were merely there with him, because he was at the peak of class. Because he was natural, a genius. Sometimes Kyungsoo thought that this voice was right and that it spoke right from his heart. On other days he felt like denying it, because there was still this pain. The loneliness.

Baekhyun was giving him _the_ finger, whenever they met while Chanyeol shrugged his shoulders before waving to Kyungsoo.

The male had learned to accept this as well.

 

He was tipping the pen repeatedly against the table, trying to figure out the answer to the last question on his History homework. That subject had nothing to do with being smart and it irked Kyungsoo, because all he could do was run through text books, trying to find something that actually made sense for him.

If only there wouldn't be this awful distraction called Kim Jongdae.

Kyungsoo tried so hard to keep his eyes on the text and yes, he was reading the words but nothing remained in his brain. It was as if the words went inside for a moment before escaping. He wanted to do that, too. To just run out of the door.

Jongdae was sitting just a few metres away from him and Kyungsoo could look straight at his face without the boy noticing. The ace could easily meet Kyungsoo's eyes, but that wasn't going to happen, because he was terribly occupied. Yixing was sitting across of him, asking questions about their History homework which Jongdae tried to solve with him.

Was he already okay? Accepting himself? How about his home? Did Yixing know? Maybe it was not a crush though, maybe it was just physical attraction? Just how was Jongdae keeping this straight face? 

Kyungsoo turned his head further, eyes drifting over Yixing taking down his notes. Yixing was a good guy, that much was clear even to Kyungsoo—

The male looked down at his textbook, hitting himself briefly with his hand across his face. He was not Jongdae's father or brother or anyone that actually goddamn mattered—

“Kyungsoo?” Said boy tore his hand away from his face and there was the regret eating him up alive when he looked up into two sparkling bright eyes, crinkling at the corners because the boy was smiling so innocently yet cockily. He couldn't put it into words, partially because a part of his brain was still stuck (within this fucking textbook!).

“Y-Yeah?”

They hadn't spoken a word after that, not one. Why now of all days?

“I actually... had a few questions about the homework and I thought you were done with it, so maybe...” Jongdae was fidgeting with the papers in his hand and the textbook which was sandwiched between his arm and body.

“You're not cute, you know.” Kyungsoo pointed up at the boy, who was suddenly dropping his textbook and seemed awfully surprised by the loner's words.

“I—I wasn't trying, mind you!” Jongdae's words weren't louder than a hushed whisper, but there was his usual attitude and the small pout on his lips. Words strong and fierce. Kyungsoo found himself smiling before taking a look at Yixing, who was nowhere to be seen. Had he already left?

“Am I... really not?” Kyungsoo's attention snapped back and the boy leaned over the desk, eyes meeting Jongdae's again, who looked at him somewhat expectantly.

“I've seen your dick and I cannot unsee it, Kim Jongdae.” The lighting of the room was horrible, Kyungsoo mused, he could barely make out the red cheeks and ears, but Jongdae seemed very embarrassed. “If I could, then you'd definitely be quite cute, okay?”

There was this quiet chuckle and a nod in affirmative before Jongdae shoved the textbook over to Kyungsoo. “I'm missing out on the second question. Would you share your answer?” Without another word, he pushed his answers over to Jongdae and turned his head to look out of the window. Rain drops were covering the glass and the sky was indulging itself in a strange grey colour. The storm was heavy, howling whenever someone opened the door to the library which happened quite often. Even now.

Loud and unrelenting was the wind as Kyungsoo turned around to catch Jongdae's lips moving. He blinked in confusion. Did he just say something?

“Thank you, but now I am wanted.” He kept on watching the other. Jongdae got up, put on his jacket and threw his bag over his shoulder. There was a faint smile before the boy started walking away from him. Kyungsoo remained.

He turned his head back towards the window. He could make out Joonmyeon standing at the gate of their school. Even from far away he could see the other clearly, an umbrella in his hand, covering the former captain from the rain as he seemingly waited for someone. Kyungsoo decided to leave before a familiar face came into view.

✪

It was only days later that Jongdae joined Kyungsoo in the shower again. It was not like the loner meant to spy on the ace but there were a few changes. The ace was less touchy and if someone came to close, he jumped away, smiling and saying that he was having the flu and that he didn't want anyone to catch it. That was pretty much a lie. Kyungsoo was not going to ask Jongdae though.

He had accepted this distance. Not in a physical sense since the other was standing right besides him, naked. Not too unusual after a long day of practice. Why Jongdae had decided to stay behind in the first place was beyond Kyungsoo. Another question that would remain unanswered.

He left the shower firstly, drying himself before putting on his boxers. Fingers scrolled over the screen of his cellphone when Jongdae joined him, sitting down on the bench, towel wrapped around his slim tiny waist. Kyungsoo was not looking when the ace inspected his body, fingers running along the bruises on his upper arms. Kyungsoo was not going to ask why—

“You never asked why... even though you have seen these all long ago.”

“I... don't like prying into other businesses when they don't hand me the permission to do so,” Kyungsoo explained, eyes leaving the screen for good. Angry shades of green, blue and purple, mixed with a deep red laughed at him. He grit his teeth, tearing his gaze away to look Jongdae in the eyes.

“You're awfully considerate.”

“After your dad's show of dominance and sheer aggression, it seems useless to ask why they're all over you.” He nodded his head forward. “I've always asked myself why the sleeves of your uniform are a bit longer, but—“ There was this delicate and innocent smile playing around Jongdae's lips and his brain was somewhere stuck between admiration and sadness.

He caught himself again, eyes directed at the floor. “Makes sense now. Who knows about... this?”

Jongdae shook his head. “Nobody... I am good at hiding stuff.” Kyungsoo tilted his head, wondering if the other was actually talking about the bruises or his identity crisis. Perhaps both.

“You should seek help.” Jongdae shook his head violently, moving over to stand in front of Kyungsoo.

“He doesn't mean to hit me—“

“Please don't believe that, Jongdae. The wounds are a part of you if you accept them, but you don't have to, because you have a choice. These will fade, eventually. Your sexual identity won't. Value yourself, Jongdae, please.” He looked up at Jongdae, seeing nothing but darkness within the other's eyes.

“I'm scared.” A faint whisper and Kyungsoo's arms reached upward, fingers sliding over the bruises, gently and carefully. Like porcelain ready to break, he held on tightly. Cold hands ran past his neck as he felt Jongdae's naked upper body against his own. The slide was easy as Kyungsoo embraced the boy, warm hands pushing the boy impossibly closer.

“I'll value you, Jongdae, even if that might not be much. I'll be there for you, even if I cannot do anything to help you. Whatever other people say or think, do not be fazed. You're strong, aren't you?”

There was a soft noise as Jongdae pressed his nose against Kyungsoo, head resting in the crook of Kyungsoo's neck. He could feel a few hot drops burning his skin. “I see you are, Jongdae.”

✪

Kyungsoo spend the next days on his own. Jongdae was not in class and the boy had no method of contacting the other. He abstained from actually asking for his address. Maybe he'd just make everything worse. Maybe he could do something to make life easier for Jongdae, but if he were to be truly honest, then he was kind of scared. Scared of what he'd do and could even do, if he were to visit Jongdae.

The days seemed longer and longer until Jongdae was suddenly there. Suddenly there in front of Kyungsoo who had just showered. He stood behind like usual. Although the ace had attended his classes, the loner did not come up to talk to him. Jongdae looked alright and maybe, maybe it really was acceptable this way.

The boy did not attend their practice however and Kyungsoo was very confused about Jongdae's very sudden presence.

He looked breathless, sweat profusely covering his forehead. The loner stared for a moment longer, unable to decide if he was going to say something or not. Jongdae looked scared when Kyungsoo took a step forward, which made the younger male stop in his tracks. That was not simply Jongdae sweating because he ran for a long time. No, that was definitely cold sweat.

“I'm not here!” Jongdae announced before hiding right next to Kyungsoo, shielded away from everyone entering. Nobody could exactly catch a glimpse because there was only a small entrance for the bathroom. The loner nodded, not questioning the other's intentions before stepping into the changing room again. Kyungsoo dried himself carefully, putting on his boxers a moment later. Just in time for Joonmyeon's sudden entrance.

The outsider held his gaze for a moment before slipping on a shirt. It felt like mock was written all over the former captain's face but he might have been wrong about that. Kyungsoo knew he was terribly nervous, hands trembling a little as he grabbed his socks. “Jongdae was here, right?”

“Was he?” It came out a little more daring than the younger one had intended, thus he added, “Shouldn't you know as his friend? Best friend, I mean.” He caught Joonmyeon's rather deadly glare which soon turned into a small smile. This face was far more frightening than any glare could have been.

“Okay, Kyungsoo. He's given you his attention and now you've taken a liking to him. We can all understand, we all feel the same.”

“Do we?” Kyungsoo asked quickly, making sure to lock eyes with Joonmyeon because he was not scared. He wasn't.

“What are you implying?” Joonmyeon tilted his head while Kyungsoo recalled that there was no reason to back down. There was a reason as to why Jongdae was hiding. The loner wouldn't call him out or let someone drag him out. Perhaps it was good for Jongdae to have someone he could depend on. Kyungsoo could be what Jongdae needed.

“Well, you're best friends and yet it doesn't seem like that. I am not questioning you or Jongdae, but it's much of a lie, if you say that I feel the same as you.” Kyungsoo put on his socks and shoes before facing Joonmyeon again. The older one's face was blank, void of emotion as he simply nodded to himself.

“Because you don't want to get into his pants?” Kyungsoo was almost dropping his cellphone, only vaguely remembering that he had taken it out of his bag. Luckily he didn't, but the other's question made him put it down again. “Don't act like you don't. It's hard to believe... You're putting him down like that.”

Kyungsoo's eyebrow twitched before he pointed towards the door. “Get the fuck out of here.”

“I'm sorry that I somehow along the way fell in love with my best friend—“ Kyungsoo did not know what made Joonmyeon shut up so suddenly, but he hoped that it wasn't Jongdae. Turned out, it wasn't, as the third year's eyes were locked onto Kyungsoo's.

“How dare you even say that.”

“I have feelings and needs, too—“

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” Kyungsoo picked up his bag, throwing it into Joonmyeon's direction but it only hit the door once the other had actually left. The loner watched his bag fall down, hitting the floor hard, spilling everything that was inside and for once he was glad that he took out his cellphone.

“He's not going to come back in.” Kyungsoo said after a small while, the silence killing him. This was not his business, he knew and he wasn't supposed to interfere but _his friend_ needed _his_ help. The dark haired boy turned around to see Jongdae leaning against the door frame. “I'm sorry—“

“I told him. Said I was going to accept myself and he started holding my hand and it was so nice.” Kyungsoo's ears perked up but his eyes only found their way to the ground. Now he was really feeling guilty for just jumping into this, although the choice he had had was almost non-existent. “It went on like this and I was so happy. Joonmyeon had always been a good guy, my best friend and he promised me to hold my hand if I needed support. I was content until... until we went further and I ran away. This place here is like my solace. So I came and you... you were there.”

“Further?” Kyungsoo questioned and cursed himself silently for being so awfully inconsiderate.

“He knew about the bruises, Kyungsoo, but he told me that I was beautiful nonetheless. I was flattered, I really was and then... when his hand was finding its way beneath my shirt I got scared shitless. This is so stupid. He told me that it was okay, that there was no need to hide my bruises in front of him or feel bad but—“

“That's not it?” Kyungsoo finished Jongdae's sentence and walked over to pick up his bag, putting distance between himself and the other.

“I'm... I'm not ready. He told me how unfair I was by letting him wait and I felt so bad.”

“He should respect your boundaries and he would wait if he loved you. Not forever, of course, but he would try it for you. He wouldn't pressure you into something you don't like, just because he feels impatient. Jongdae, please, don't believe that. You decide about your body and if there's no one supposed to touch it, then so it shall be.” Kyungsoo only briefly caught Jongdae's gaze which was slowly growing fond again.

“W-Would you?” Jongdae played with his fingers before tilting his head. He was being awfully shy right now and Kyungsoo didn't have the strength to look away. “Would you wait for me?”

“I would.”

✪

Kyungsoo did not yet know if these changes were good or not, but he wasn't alone anymore. Jongdae was besides him at least every second day. He apparently stopped seeing Joonmyeon while keeping the other third years at a distance. The volleyball practice obviously took no hit and the ace was as brilliant as always. It was just more than surprising that Jongdae complimented Kyungsoo's solid work loudly in front of others. He saw some of them nodding and honestly, Kyungsoo might have felt a little bit of unity by now. Just a tiny bit.

There was some sort of _crush talk_ after practice and somehow Kyungsoo got involved. Perhaps he should have kept practising instead of sitting down on the bench. For some reason or another Luhan and Tao joined them. Luhan was not an active player but more of a manager for the volleyball team. Somewhere along the way he figured out his feelings; he could not keep practising like the others, it was too hard on him but his love for the sports still existed and he would have done anything to be useful for the team, so he decided to become some sort of manager, always keeping his eyes open and visiting other games to thoroughly analyse their upcoming rivals.

Tao on the other hand was a spiker just like Jongdae, but he was useful even in the back row. Jongdae could not muster up the height, he didn't possess and thus he was only extremely useful in the front row. Kyungsoo could understand that easily because of his own height or the lack of it.

Kyungsoo was not even listening when the topic shifted to Luhan's awful crush on Kris, a third year. Apparently he was quite handsome and very manly. The loner did not know him and thus saved his comments for himself. Tao on the other hand complimented Luhan's taste in men before their attention shifted towards Jongdae. “Boys or girls? Come on, Jongdae, tell us about your secret crush.”

Kyungsoo snorted loudly and Luhan suddenly turned around to look at him. The libero looked up, trying to feign a smile because that was not supposed to happen. “It ain't secret when he shares it, you know.”

“It's contradictory, I get it,” Luhan said and sighed before turning to Jongdae. “Tell me all about it, yeah? There must be someone, right? Just like Kris. Actually,” the manager turned to Tao and grinned like a Cheshire cat, “I heard he lost weight before. Now he's all better and really awesome, looking so almighty fine.”

Kyungsoo's eyes found their way to Jongdae, who was currently inspecting himself, hand reaching down to feel his tummy. The younger male had the weird feeling that the other was as unsure of himself and his body as Kyungsoo had expected when the other opened up to him. It was not just his bruises. Kyungsoo couldn't be mad or irritated though. Jongdae was still trying to figure himself out and along with this identity crisis other problems arose.

“Okay okay, you're shy. So, Kyungsoo, you tell us first. Who's impressing you? Who is easily the most beautiful specimen on earth?”

Kyungsoo looked at Luhan, only shortly contemplating about his answer but it was already clear to him.

“Jongdae.”

Said boy looked up, eyes widened as he probably tried to process what had just happened. Before anyone could say another word, Kyungsoo got up and grabbed the ace's arm to promptly pull him close. “The girls call him a masterpiece, you see.”

“You're not living this down, Do Kyungsoo. You're pretty cool, admitting it in front of your crush... Ain't he?” Luhan turned around to Tao, who nodded hesitatingly. He was just as buff as Jongdae. Kyungsoo was not going to correct Luhan though. It was easier to simply not deny things that didn't exist in the first place.

Kyungsoo spotted the soft shade of red which was covering Jongdae's cheeks before he pulled him to the net of the court, far away from Luhan and Tao. “I meant, what I said, Jongdae.” The loner pinched the older male before smiling softly. “I really hope that you didn't think of... correcting things about yourself.”

“I-I can't exactly change _what_ I am.”

_The saddest people smile the brightest._

Kyungsoo thought that he understood this phrase better by now.

_The loneliest people are the kindest._

He continued looking at Jongdae, hands reaching forward to grab the other's.

_The most damaged are the wisest._

“Human, that's right. You can't change that. We all can't.” He pulled Jongdae a little closer, inspecting his arms for new bruises but luckily there weren't any. The only question that lingered on his lips was why Jongdae had no problem being this intimate with Kyungsoo. He certainly had problems when it came to Joonmyeon.

“Jongdae. I know, you probably don't want to suit my taste... but you're cool. Easily as handsome as that Kris fellow. Not manly in the way he is, I think we can agree on that, but... that doesn't matter.” He pushed Jongdae's bangs out of his face, his bright smile still in place. “You're just right. I hope that one day you will agree with me.”

✪

“You know what I've always been wondering about?”

Kyungsoo looked up before reaching out and playfully knocking Jongdae's pen out of his hand, which earned him a groan from the older male. They had been together for some time now, mostly staying at the loner's small flat. Jongdae was not living here and yet everything reminded Kyungsoo about the boy. The way his remote control was somewhere stored between the cushions of his small sofa. The way his glasses were distributed over every available desk. Jongdae's sketchbook that was neatly placed on top of his kitchen desk, these brightly coloured posters that the ace decided matched his wallpaper. _Everything._

It was just like Jongdae had already moved in and Kyungsoo for once thought that he'd like company. If it was Jongdae. Only Jongdae. He didn't want to have Baekhyun living in the same flat. Not even if he were to go back in time. There was something oddly calming about the boy who was gradually discovering himself.

“You and Baekhyun. How did that happen?”

“I don't really know. I met him in the school hallways. He ran into me, nothing spectacular. We somehow started a conversation. Coincidentally we continued to meet; library, arcades, competitions, you name it. Not much of a coincidence though, because we live in the same neighbourhood and we go to the same school, but yeah. I was sure back then that I was not into girls. Never thought about them, really. I was... I mean, I still am kind of uptight—“ He caught Jongdae's quiet giggling and profusely glared at the elder before continuing. “He showed me a whole new world, took me out and stuff. I was.. yeah, kind of smitten. He was beautiful to me—“

“Oh, he is and gosh, he's so thin. Like the perfect masterpiece. I mean, we stand at the same height but Chanyeol told me that Baekhyun's lost a bit of weight after going to the gym twice a week. He's like... at 58kg and I'm 6 kilos behind—“ Jongdae stopped talking abruptly when he looked at Kyungsoo, hands finding their way to his stomach.

He was still discovering himself. He was not alright with his body. Doubts filled his mind and he was trying to see the better of himself, past the bruises and the imperfections. Things that he apparently had a hard time coping with. Kyungsoo understood all that—or maybe he was trying—but he liked all that about Jongdae. These imperfections, these small moles at the side of his face or the small pimple that was hidden by his eyebrows, the high sharp cheekbones, as well as the slim figure. Everything was just about right.

“That's Baekhyun and this is you, Jongdae. You're absolutely alright the way you are... I will say this as often as needed, for you to understand me. Am I a liar, Jongdae?”

“O—Of course not! I didn't mean to...” Jongdae drifted off with his words, eyes cast down at the small table they were sitting at. Kyungsoo remained quiet, only intently looking at the boy across of him. He wished that he could make it all better, could make Jongdae appreciate himself, could actually change things. He hoped his presence next to the other made little sense, was a little of support.

“I wasn't accusing you of calling me one but I really want you to understand me. Want you to see yourself in the same way I see you. There's little you can improve to be perfect, Jongdae, but perfect humans... are a little boring. They try to please everyone and that is simply not possible because we're all awfully different. When you look at me, what do you see?” Jongdae seemed to be taken aback by the question, only staring at the loner with eyes wide open.

“Y-You're awfully smart, right?” Kyungsoo pointed at his face before gesturing downwards. He might look like a genius but that wasn't what Kyungsoo was trying to get at. “Uhm, like... a perfectly decent person? I mean, you've got those big doe eyes and this really cute smile. Oh, your height is really nice, even if you're... tiny. It matches you, that's what I mean. You're a lot manlier than I am, cause your body structure is a little bulkier. That's not meant in a bad way!”

“I know you don't, but I am alright, yeah? You, too. A girl's magnet.”

“Be honest, how much do you weigh?” Kyungsoo grimaced, eyebrows lifted because he didn't expect this question and the answer seemed dreading. He was not one to lie though, but it was not like kilos proved anything.

“But I am smaller than you, Jong—“

“Because you weigh less than me, but you're still telling me this shit!” Kyungsoo cocked his head, eyes shooting upwards when Jongdae grabbed his bag, seemingly on his way to leave. Jongdae took a few steps, already at the door when Kyungsoo scrambled his stuff together, trying to follow the boy.

“You're so cruel! Baekhyun's right. You only tried to make things better. You're a sucker for people who are hurting inside! That's why you slept with Baekhyun, out of pity!” Jongdae was over-emotional and it scared Kyungsoo. Had he really done so awfully wrong? Was he actually a bad person?

“You had your fair share of pleasure and left, because it got too difficult! Now you're trying to talk me into believing—“

There was a limit to this.

“Yes, I left. In the end I realised that was stupid of me. I am a million times sorry for Baekhyun but this and that are not the same. I truly believe what I say, Jongdae. You're perfect with all your little imperfections. I wish you wouldn't let your little to no self-confidence control you. Not your faults either or what you identify to be your mistakes. Please, come back here.” And with that the door closed. Right behind Jongdae.

“I am sorry, shit.” Kyungsoo gritted his teeth. Why were they all leaving him on a whim? What was it that he did so wrongly?

✪

It was not wrong to say that Kyungsoo missed his friend. The only one.

Yet, there was nothing he could do. Jongdae was back at Joonmyeon's side again and Kyungsoo felt something strange tugging at his heart. Jongdae had grown to be an important part of his life and it just went out the door, whispering its goodbye. 

So he was keeping to himself, watching Jongdae smile from afar. Behind this deafening bright sign of happiness, he saw his world crumbling apart. Kyungsoo shook his head, concentrating on the task at hand. Maybe one day, Jongdae would come back, maybe not, but there was just one thing Kyungsoo truly wished for with all his heart.

That no hurt may add to Jongdae's pain. For it to stop completely was too big of a wish, so he didn't think of that. The other was still within reach, which was more comforting than Kyungsoo could even imagine. He hoped that Jongdae didn't fade away under his watch.

Sometimes he would lie awake at night, eyes staring at the ceiling. He liked to pretend that he didn't exist or that perhaps he could be someone more worthy of Jongdae's trust, like a guardian angel or something. He was not much of that though and he liked sticking to reality, no matter how awful his situation was.

A very loud noise almost scared him out of bed, trembling hands reaching up to draw the curtains away. The storm was strong tonight, drops fiercely hitting the window as if they were angry or deeply enraged. His room lightened up every now and then, thanks to the thunder that was terrorizing Seoul at the very moment. He let go of the curtains and took a deep breath. He had been too deep in thoughts and thus didn't even realise what was going on outside.

Well, the weather forecast had told him so anyway, he wasn't much surprised.

Kyungsoo turned around, hand slowly searching for his cellphone which should have been right besides him. After touching his night stand all over, Kyungsoo decided that he had probably left it somewhere in the kitchen or living room. So he got up, stretching his aching limbs before tumbling over into the next room. As he had thought, his cellphone was neatly placed next to Jongdae's old glass of water. To think that he couldn't bring himself to simply clean it, no, he just had to keep it. He was slowly starting to think that he really had a screw loose.

He unlocked his phone, sighing slightly as the internet certainly didn't want to work. “Well, screw this.” Weekend was near, so Kyungsoo certainly wasn't in a hurry to get into bed again. 

His phone suddenly vibrated in his hands, displaying dozens of messages.

from: jongdae  
_I am so so so sorry, kyungsoo._

_given you're not answering, you probably don't want to talk to me again._

_I get you there, really do. I've been awful._

_but I'm scared_

_it hurts so bad_

_and there's so much blood_

_told me a human is able to cry about 30 tears_

_I've shared thrice as mch_

_and thy wnt stop_

_I cnt see the screeeen_

_it's so dark_

_kyungsoo, are you really not there?_

_I miss you_

_I don't know what to do_

_I think I'll just disappear…_

_I'm just a burden_

And Kyungsoo bolted out of the door without another thought, promptly crashing down his own stairs because of the fucking rain. “Gosh, fuck,” he cursed, something he didn't do often. Another step forward and Kyungsoo felt awfully wobbly. Eyes looked down, seeing something large and black lying there.

“The—oh...” He pulled at the material, which easily gave in, letting Kyungsoo see what was beneath the hood. Good gracious, he didn't just stumble across a dead body, did he? The light on the street outside was so dim that Kyungsoo could barely make out the person's feature but when thunder struck earth, he could make out high cheekbones and faint breathing of a body that was currently very cold and awfully light. “Jongdae, hey, Jongdae?”

He picked him up, carrying him up the stairs which was as easy as carrying a feather by now. Kyungsoo had not been wrong about Jongdae losing a bit of weight these days, which was so awfully stupid. He was already thin. Kyungsoo walked over to his bedroom, covering the boy in his blanket before turning on his heater directly besides the bed. He prepared some vitamins, along with few snacks because that was all he could offer at this time. Kyungsoo would need to go early in the morning to buy groceries since his fridge was absolutely empty. There was just no use in making food for himself.

Jongdae was clinging to the sheets, breath a little ragged as Kyungsoo ran a hand through the boy's hair, checking the temperature. A little too high for his liking, but Jongdae was still there, Jongdae was still with him and he would make sure that Jongdae wouldn't slip through his fingers again.

“I'll make it better, Jongdae, I promise. I'll make it up to you. I'll feed you and I'll care for you. I'll—“ He bit back the tears, a fruitless struggle. He was still shook. To think that Jongdae would come looking for him even in times of pain. Perhaps not everything had been totally wrong.

He would make it better.

✪

It was more of a fight that Kyungsoo was fighting alone, but eventually things got a little easier. He fed Jongdae everything necessary – calcium, carbohydrates, magnesium, fiber, vitamins, fat. He studied books on health and eating disorders because he had the small suspicion that Jongdae was skipping meals deliberately. Sometimes he had to force it down Jongdae's throat but the latter was growing more and more willing with every day passing by.

Something Kyungsoo was immensely grateful for.

The other was becoming his former self more and more. Kyungsoo would stay with him at night when Jongdae was having nightmares. He'd take him into his arms when his friend was feeling down, was feeling bad about eating and not being as beautiful as he wanted to be, when he was doubting his sexuality again, because he had tried dating girls nowadays. Kyungsoo was there to cook for him, he would clean up after him when the other just felt like lying down. They would watch TV together and he'd be there to hold the boy when Jongdae felt like snuggling.

He knew that the ace needed more loving, more acceptance and more attention than most humans and Kyungsoo would be there to do all that for Jongdae.

It was few weeks later that Jongdae consulted Kyungsoo about practically everything. The latter would share all his knowledge about sexuality and once again, he was telling Jongdae that it was alright to feel what he felt. Not much later Jongdae started telling Kyungsoo everything; that he told his parents about his sexuality. He told him how they threw him out of their house, how his father beat him blue and purple.

He also told him about Joonmyeon where he tried to find shelter first, but apparently Joonmyeon had no interest in Jongdae, if the other was not acting to his liking. The former captain wanted more than the poor boy could give and he found himself escaping. With nowhere to turn – because he had turned Kyungsoo away and felt like “a piece of shit shit shit” - he eventually found his way to the loner's flat and curled up on the stairs.

“Did you want to disappear? Like... really?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Nobody likes me anymore, nobody wants me. I am nothing more than a burden to everyone. I know that what I am feeling is utterly wrong and I don't think I can accept myself anymore.”

They had a long long road in front of them but Kyungsoo still pulled Jongdae into his arms. “Stay by my side, Jongdae. You can't ever leave me, you hear?” Perhaps he was being selfish because Jongdae's life didn't belong to him. It would never, but he was not going to let it slip through his fingers like sand.

He caressed the boy's bandaged arms, feeling the soft material which was covering up self-inflicted wounds and past reminders, pain and shame.

“Live for me, Jongdae.”

✪

Both quit the volleyball team and spent their days together. Jongdae was almost fully back to his bright and usual self. He was smiling again, with all those wrinkles around his eyes and his high cheekbones were slowly showing signs of life again. This obnoxious loud bellowing of a laugh was gradually returning as well. Overall Kyungsoo couldn't really complain.

Both joined the Christmas choir in the same year and Kyungsoo knew that Jongdae's vocal lesson must have paid off, because he was given a solo song. His voice was bright and clear, like a rocket shooting into the sky, leaving everything behind. Still it contained pain and anxiety whenever Jongdae tried the high-notes. In front of everybody he slowly and gradually crept out of his shell. Not completely, but he was giving the people a look into his soul.

Not much later the two of them graduated at the top of the class. Kyungsoo was first – to his dismay, because people apparently did not like nerds. Jongdae was 5th and a lot better received than the loner, although people were still angry at him for suddenly quitting their volleyball team – the one that brought glory and fame to their school.

It was Jongdae's decision though and they ought to understand.

So it really was Kyungsoo's task to shove them away and ask them to fucking leave the boy alone. Nevertheless, he was really proud of his friend for doing so well, despite all his problems. In a way it was inspiring to him, too.

Jongdae was there for him, too, because no matter how tough and untouchable Kyungsoo acted, Jongdae knew that the boy was hurting, too, from time to time. It was hard alone and without parents, both understood well, that was why they decided to stay together at the flat and pursue their respective paths in life. They didn't need anyone to tell them what to do or feel, how to act or how to accept themselves.

✪

“Do you even know how to tie that awful thing?”

“Help me or leave me be, Jongdae.” Kyungsoo spat, trying to find the right gap for his necktie. It should have been easy and he looked up some tutorials but doing this in front of the mirror was much of a disaster.

“Okay, okay, my little penguin—“ Kyungsoo gave Jongdae his deadliest glare but all Jongdae did was shrug his shoulders before tying the _awful thing_ for him.

“You have some which are a lot more stylish and ugh, what are these trousers? They're too short—“ 3 years and this boy was the most annoying person on earth – well, now at least.

“Jongdae, you're a nursery teacher, not a fashion adviser. If you'd step out of the way now, that would be very kind, because I am a little in a hurry. You know, first case and everything. I studied until late night and I am fucking tired. I am so so nervous, so please, just leave me be.” He pushed himself past Jongdae and quickly pulled on his shoes before reaching out for the doorknob.

Two hands found their way to his hips however, making Kyungsoo turn back.

“You will do great! I believe in you, fighting!” Jongdae pumped his fist into the air and giggled shortly as Kyungsoo pat his cheek briefly.

“See you. Tell me if you need someone to pick you up, okay?” Jongdae nodded and let Kyungsoo go, who was quick to get down and tumble into his car. No matter how much his parents despised him, they still sent him money. Probably didn't want their friends to read his name all over the newspapers. Dead people were useless.

Besides, he decided to pay them back. It wasn't long before Kyungsoo would start his career as a lawyer. Just a few more cases for practice and good results would catapult him into the desired position.

✪

It was around 7pm that Kyungsoo managed to get off work, mind still in the clouds as he scrolled through his tweetlist. Not much besides pictures of gorgeous food and new recipes to try out. A few shots of naked men showing off their abs and Kyungsoo sighed. Who was this fucktard crashing his feed? Oh—Oooh.

He locked his phone accidentally when it suddenly started vibrating and cringed. Jongdae what the fuck was he dreaming about at night? Those men? Did he want to be like them? Nothing Jongdae ever did was without reason, so he ought to let Kyungsoo know.

“H-Hey,” he greeted casually, pushing the other hand into the front pocket of his jeans. Why did he feel like a deer caught in the headlights? He didn't post that. More like he'd never retweet that.

“Uhm, you told me, you could pick me up and I really need a drive... Something wrong?” Goddammit, Jongdae was getting better at picking up unnecessary signs.

“I just... those men... Jongdae?”

“Where's the question but pick me up, kay?”

_beep beep beep_

“Yeah, sure, like it's absolutely no problem, Kim Jongdae. Thanks for hanging up on me without a second choice.”

 

10 minutes later he found himself waiting in front of the kindergarten Jongdae was working at. He was very often working long hours and the kids dearly loved him, a sight to behold whenever Kyungsoo actually worked up the courage to go inside to pick Jongdae up, which happened very often. Maybe it was to shoo off that obnoxious co-worker which seemingly had a crush on his friend. He wasn't too sure though, because Jongdae kept denying it. Kyungsoo was not blind though, not dumb either.

Well, whatever.

“You still curious?” Jongdae dropped inside, eyes twinkling in the dim light of the street lamp before he pulled the pink blanket—Kyungsoo had stored beneath the seat—over himself. A present from the kids, though the soon-to-be-lawyer had no idea why Jongdae actually left it the car over and over again. _”If you get cold.”_

“Burning to know, Jongdae.”

“Tada~” His vision went white for a moment with Jongdae stuffing something in his face. “A coupon!”

“Can't see,” Kyungsoo commented dryly.

“Oh, ohhh.” Jongdae pulled the sheet of paper back before letting Kyungsoo read it. The man raised his eyebrow once he was through. Who would actually think of buying a coupon for a gym, let alone a personal trainer?

“A present from Hyukjae, you know—“

“Your co-worker, yeah, but... are you going to use it?” Kyungsoo asked almost hesitatingly, especially after catching the number of people it was for.

“Yeah and I am sure you'd love to come along.”

Good gracious. Kyungsoo put a finger into his ear because there was someone very loudly screaming inside of his head not to go, but—

“Sure thing.”

✪

Sure thing. Sure thing?

How could he actually say that?

Oh there was one reason, a good one, practically hot one. The personal trainer. The downside? This gross sweat sticking to Kyungsoo's skin. Let's not forget about his muscles tearing apart, horrible pain. The competitiveness was awful, too, because Jongdae was just excelling and doing awfully well at everything while Kyungsoo just tried to follow along. Jongdae was far better trained, he knew that, but still... He didn't like looking like a fool in front of Minseok.

 _Abs of steel_ had he shown them and Kyungsoo was ultimately sure that he didn't want them himself but wouldn't mind touching them. Somehow everything turned into a competition between him and Jongdae to impress Minseok, because the winner would ultimately get to run his hands over those ripped muscles. It was a bet between the three of them. Motivation, as he heard Minseok call it.

Good thing Kyungsoo had none of that after already 10 minutes into training. His muscles were hurting, his head was feeling kind of dizzy and his legs were about to fall off. That might have been exaggerated but it was still very exhausting while Jongdae and Minseok were laughing it all away. He felt so utterly stupid for trying to join. Kyungsoo really just wanted to leave and go home. Maybe he'd try again but until then he would have to keep himself fit and get used to a certain amount of working out.

This was too much.

Good thing Minseok wasn't paying too much attention to him. It nagged him a little, but the bigger part of him was happy, because he was surely looking absolutely dirty, covered in sweat all over while Jongdae was ever his glorious self. Kyungsoo kept on staring, noticing how a few drops of sweat were actually gathering on Jongdae's forehead before trickling down his face, making it seem rather shiny and glossy. The boy really was glorious, like a picture, especially when he turned his head to smile at Kyungsoo, giving him the big thumbs up.

Thumbs up. Kyungsoo had tried everything and was honestly proud of himself. There was loads of cardio training, even stepping was part of it while Jongdae kept to training his muscles. He was obviously doing better and that was also why Jongdae was allowed to touch _these_ abs in the end with Kyungsoo staying behind to watch. Eyes were focused on the boy's hand, gently trying to feel the muscles while letting a finger run over the lines with a lot of enthusiasm.

Kyungsoo pursed his lips. That should have been his hand, because seriously, Minseok was single and very very good looking. Very. The punctuation was so on point in his head.

Still, he could understand Minseok. Jongdae was much like a trophy. A cute one, talented, good looking, funny. Wonderful down to his little imperfections. The smile, the bright white teeth that tend to show through, those cat lips that turned up at the end, the high defined cheekbones and those sweet slightly jutting ears, also those small wrinkles around his eyes whenever the boy laughed to his heart's content.

Kyungsoo swallowed hard, eyes staring into Jongdae's when the boy dragged him into the shower.

✪

Kyungsoo still remembered the times they showered together. How innocent and naïve they were, but it was easier that way. He wouldn't need to hold his breath like right now.

Kyungsoo blinked, shaking his head before taking a deep breath. What was he doing? Eyes roamed over Jongdae's body. He was trained by now and one could easily see the faint tracks of muscles. He was looking a lot healthier than back then. Actually there was not much of a trace left from the Jongdae who didn't like himself at all.

Apart for a few scars on his upper arms but really, one had to look very closely to notice them and Jongdae stopped paying attention to them. All in all, he could praise himself for the work he had done on Jongdae, because the boy was stunningly beautiful.

Kyungsoo's eyes rolled back as he seemingly couldn't keep his attention away from Jongdae. It was a shame that only one shower wasn't occupied, so the two of them were forced to use one if they wanted to finish at the same time.

It had been quite a long time since they were this close and Kyungsoo came to the realisation that he might have missed the other's warmth. Jongdae's skin against his own. He just hoped that his friend wouldn't think weirdly of him for having these thoughts. They were very best friends after all.

Some of Minseok's last words – which were only directed at Kyungsoo – bothered him nevertheless.

_You think there will always be opportunities and chances? Don't be delusional._

He didn't know what to make of that. What was he getting at? This was only Kyungsoo's first time at a gym, why wouldn't that be able to go on?

Totally immersed into his own thoughts, Kyungsoo didn't notice another man approaching them. Only when it was too late.

“Hey.” Kyungsoo turned towards the stranger but clearly, that wasn't meant for him, so he turned back. Not even a second later, the future lawyer felt a hand closing around his wrist, eventually pulling him closer towards Jongdae. The hunk was flirting, Kyungsoo could easily see that and he also thought that it wouldn't be a good idea to interfere but Jongdae was obviously of a different opinion.

“You should get yourself a real man.” Kyungsoo looked down at himself before smiling slightly. Yeah, so he was a little smaller than Jongdae whose height was below average for men in Korea but that shouldn't exactly be a problem, right? Nevertheless people like this were grating on his nerves. 

“I've already got one,” Jongdae answered and there was so much confidence that it sounded rather convincing until Kyungsoo realised that Jongdae meant him, _him alone._

The hunk seemed offended, not even able to form coherent sentences, but hey, nobody expected some sort of intelligence within this human. “Have a glorious day, but I will enjoy my boyfriend's manliness now.”

And they left.

✪

Suddenly everything was rather awkward and embarrassing but that was mostly Kyungsoo trying to talk sense into himself. Jongdae needed some form of escape and Kyungsoo was right there, it was perfect. Yeah, Kyungsoo would have absolutely done the same.

A small dirty grin played around his lips, head still in the clouds as Jongdae approached the future lawyer, hand reaching forward to push Kyungsoo. “How's everything?”

“Oh.” Kyungsoo was seated on the couch for hours now and a smile crept up his face as Jongdae smiled at him so very very brightly. “It hurts.”

“Ah yeah, but in a good way, right? I love it when it hurts.” No, you don't understand, Kyungsoo thought to himself. Everything was awful and every part of his body was on a rebellion, one against sports and just every movement.

Kyungsoo barely got up today. When he tried to stand, he almost lost his balance and fell over. He was feeling slightly dizzy and had to grab anything in sight to keep him stable. When the chopsticks fell down due to his own carelessness, Kyungsoo thought he was dying. He could barely bend down, back hurting in all the wrong places, his thighs were straining. His muscles were stiff. He could feel it everywhere.

Moving was a pain as he could barely lift his feet. He was feeling drained and just simply awful. His toe hurt, his feet didn't want to move, his thighs were stiff while his stomach tried killing him whenever he bent over, his upper arms hurt whenever he tried spreading them and that was when Kyungsoo decided that nothing was hurting in a good way.

He turned around to look at Jongdae.

“Hurts bad, I hate it.”

Jongdae simply laughed and prepared lunch for them. It was actually Kyungsoo's task but the man didn't feel up to it. “I've learned a lot from you, I'll show you.” Kyungsoo simply giggled sweetly, keeping his eyes on the moving figure in the kitchen. He really dearly hoped that Jongdae knew what he was doing. He wouldn't be able to save the kitchen from burning down. His feet barely knew what to do while standing, moving was too big a task.

It didn't take Jongdae long to actually serve something edible and quite tasty; easy old spaghetti carbonara. Overall Kyungsoo had to admit that it was lovely, especially with Jongdae's loud and obnoxious laugh in the background while the two of them were watching some very bad and unoriginal variety show on TV.

“I actually, uhm,” Jongdae started and Kyungsoo put down his plate, eyes immediately glued to the other's, “will be going to Minseok's later.”

Oh. _Oh._

“Oh, sure. I didn't know you're like close already, that's nice.” Kyungsoo nodded to himself as he still needed to convince himself, but he was supportive. He loved his best friend after all.

Jongdae remained looking at Kyungsoo a moment longer before nodding as well. “We're going to watch _seven days_ , it'll be great.” There was no real enthusiasm. Kyungsoo tilted his head, missing the usual happiness laced with Jongdae's bold and clear voice. Perhaps he was a nervous wreck.

“I'm sure it'll be great.” His friend gave him a second look and Kyungsoo thought that maybe, maybe he really needed to be more convincing. For himself as well.

✪

Kyungsoo couldn't remember the day where he actually slept alone in their room, since Jongdae's bed was just few meters besides his own. The boy had always been so fragile that Kyungsoo thought it would better if they shared one sleeping room. Both searched for a part-time job in order to make money for a second bed, his father's money was after all spent on rent and food.

Ever since the future lawyer threatened his parents with committing suicide they've been more than supportive. Kyungsoo had another empty stomach to fill besides his own and every method was acceptable by now even if contacting his parents was much much of a pain. They didn't want him to die because it would ruin their image and they were certainly popular with Kyungsoo's dad being one of the best prosecutors in Seoul.

He was going to become a lawyer now, too. Funny.

He turned his head to take a look at the other's empty bed. Kyungsoo could still remember their first nights together. Jongdae was barely talking those days, he had always kept to himself. He was not able to go to school those days either. Kyungsoo called in sick for him, studied together with him at home although Jongdae's attention span was limited. He'd cook for him every day and prepare lunch in advance because he himself had to attend school.

He would come home quickly after school, making sure that Jongdae was still there. That he was still there with him, still existing. He'd find him curled up on the small sofa in the living room or in his own bed. Kyungsoo never actually minded him. Didn't mind when the boy's sweet and innocent fragrance was all over his bed. He also didn't mind Jongdae honking over his toilet whenever Kyungsoo had handed him food that was too much for his thin stomach to bear.

He had advised Jongdae on seeing a doctor, someone he could tell his troubles to or what he thought about himself, because Kyungsoo thought he wouldn't be able to handle it himself. He was not a counsellor, he was just a good friend, someone who wanted to help but Jongdae would always shake his head and take Kyungsoo's hands into his own. That was all it took really and Kyungsoo understood, that it was enough for him to be at Jongdae's side.

Sometimes Kyungsoo would step in on Jongdae being naked in their bathroom but he was reminded of the fact that Jongdae never locked the door. The boy was often looking at himself in the mirror, sometimes a little horrified, sometimes awestruck and sometimes absolutely disgusted. It was almost as if he was scared of himself. Kyungsoo moved onto hug him from behind or pull Jongdae into his arms. The boy never actually fought back.

There were times where Kyungsoo had to assure Jongdae that it was alright be sexually active with who ever in mind. He didn't know why Jongdae was asking about it, but he never questioned the other because he was sure that he wouldn't understand the boy completely. They had even watched gay porn together because Jongdae had begged for it, saying perhaps it would help him understand. Kyungsoo doubted that but when he caught Jongdae's eyes staring into his own while watching the film, he thought that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea.

He remembered their pillow fights late at night or how they studied together all day, maybe even how Kyungsoo whipped up the perfect application for Jongdae, since his friend was unsure if he should really write one. “They wouldn't choose me either way!” A smile was playing around Kyungsoo's lips at the thought, because yes, they chose him.

He also remembered Jongdae's first day of work and what kind of huge smile was plastered onto his face when he came back from his job. Kyungsoo also faintly remembered the times he picked the other up. The boys and girls were sprawled out to his feet or he'd carry them around, some were asking for his hands and others clung to his legs. They were all very much in love with him. The kind of love and acceptance he had always needed. The kids assured him and the other nursery teachers praised him.

Jongdae was growing up at his side and they went through so much together that Kyungsoo felt like he was suffocating, like there was not enough air for him to breathe. So he got up and opened the window, enjoying the fresh and cool breeze.

A few steps back and he threw himself on the bed again, arm lazily reaching out for his cellphone. He opened up his texts.

to: jongdae  
_hope you're enjoying your date c;_

He stared at the message for a while before deciding that no, he did not really. Nobody liked liars.

Needlessly to say, he stored the message in his drafts after adding a few petty words;

_no, actually I don't. Minseok is so hot and you're not qualified to become his boyfriend. you might have won the last time but you won't again._

✪

What was he doing with his life? He honestly didn't know.

But indeed, he was taking a break from his head and heart by actively taking part in this stupid competition with Jongdae. Minseok let them do everything in order to make a thorough analysis of what they lack and should do to make up for it. Kyungsoo had no strengths really. Barely any muscles and the sweat was grossing him out real bad by now. Neither was he extremely fast. There were just a few things—

“Kyungsoo, you've got great stamina, no joke. Your persistence is amazing.”

It sounded more like _you try hard but still fail_.

“Your weight is just fine and muscles and fat are in perfect balance. I mean, it wouldn't hurt you to build a few more muscles in order to support your back because of your office work, but it's fine.” Minseok nodded to himself and Kyungsoo took a deep breath. Little drops of sweat were slowly dropping down into his eyes and stung. They had stopped their training, so why was it still so bad?

Kyungsoo wanted to reach up and wipe his forehead but somebody was quicker as a cool and wet towel gently patted his face all over. A rather dazzling smile came into view when Jongdae distanced himself from the man. It was whimsical in every aspect.

“I told you you would need a towel... But you never listen to me.” Kyungsoo kept looking at Jongdae who started pouting, but suddenly he turned his face towards Minseok who reached out to run a hand through the other's hair. It was rather affectionate and Kyungsoo took a look around, knowing people were looking at them. Obviously, Minseok was the most popular personal trainer within this goddamn big gym.

Perhaps he just didn't want to see the scene though. “Yeah, I know, Jongdae.” He pushed his hands into his pockets, wondering when the two of them started to be this close. Their night together surely made it this way, because no, Jongdae did not come home that day. Kyungsoo pursed his lips, heart leaping away as he went with his brain's decision.

“What about Jongdae?”

“His body is really in perfect balance. I mean, obviously you've been active.” Kyungsoo blinked, barely able to comprehend what was happening when their personal trainer lifted up Jongdae's shirt before actually touching Jongdae's faint but apparent lines of a six pack in the making. The boy shrieked, punching Minseok in the side before the two of them started laughing.

Kyungsoo had definitely entered the wrong kind of movie.

“No, he's really good and making a lot of progress. We can still work on his stamina though and perhaps.. at his self-confidence?” Jongdae stared at Minseok for a whole minute before smiling sheepishly, cheeks glowing in a soft shade of red that made Kyungsoo so so so angry.

He scratched his cheek with one finger before smiling at the two of them. “I need to leave early, work's calling for me, okay?” Jongdae waved him goodbye easily before wrapping an arm around Minseok's shoulder. “You wanted to show me weightlifting, remember?” There was a faint giggle as Kyungsoo left, wondering what the hell his blood was doing. It was pulsing in a speed Kyungsoo could not understand, neither how it throbbed so loudly in his ears.

When did Jongdae manage to conquer Minseok? In just one night? What were they doing? Was he overthinking things again? He couldn't, not when the two of them were flirting so obviously in front of him.

 _Support, support, support_ , he chanted inside of his head.

Honestly though. What was he supposed to support again?

✪

He knew the idea was horrible and still, still he said yes. There was no _no_ within Kyungsoo's dictionary when Jongdae was around. It was like his heart forgot about Kyungsoo's dull and unlikeable nature. Baekhyun had told him back then why nobody liked the nerd. He was brash and always said his opinion and then there were times where he was so quiet that people thought, he was preparing for their deaths to be awfully cruel and agonizing.

He only laughed but now it was clear why Jongdae was winning Minseok's heart. Kyungsoo was dull and there was nothing to save, not even when Jongdae was awfully drunk besides him and almost sleeping on the desk with his head while Kyungsoo was still talking to Minseok without noticing how late it was by now.

The music of the club was slowly turning softer on him and Kyungsoo knew that the alcohol intake was perhaps a tad too much. Minseok was holding himself upright like he didn't drink at all and honestly, it was making the future lawyer slightly jealous. Good looking and fit while even being able to handle alcohol well. He was perfect as a boyfriend.

Kyungsoo turned his head a little, watching Jongdae's glassy eyes inspecting his empty glass. Minseok apparently drank it himself before patting Kyungsoo's back, telling him to hurry the fuck home before Jongdae would start asking for another bottle. “Isn't he so goddamn cute that you simply want to fu—“ Kyungsoo stared at Minseok's lips which moved close to his ear, but no matter how hard he tried, he didn't catch the last words. Perhaps his brain didn't want to, perhaps the alcohol made it all seem wishy washy.

He watched Minseok's hand reach for Jongdae's face, pushing the bangs out of his face as the boy smiled brightly, slightly delirious and out of his mind but he was still grinning at the personal trainer. “Be a good boy and follow Kyungsoo home, alright?” Was Jongdae a dog? Some sort of pet? What was this fuck between them?

Why above all could he barely hear his own voice? “—hands off him.” 

Had he cursed? Probably not, Minseok was still smiling at him but followed Kyungsoo's advice and took his hands off the drunk boy before disappearing into the crowd. He could barely focus on anything but Jongdae's face which was spotting a lopsided grin, making Kyungsoo question how far off the boy really was.

The way's not far, come on.” Kyungsoo grabbed Jongdae's arm, pulling him off the desk and out of the building, into the fresh and cold night air. He was instantly feeling better and took a deep breath, eyes resting on Jongdae besides him whose cheeks were dimly illuminated by the street lamps. Slightly reddish. “You look like a tomato.” Intelligent comment, very very much.

Why was he absolutely not himself? Okay, he was drunk. Kyungsoo was never drunk, Kyungsoo never really drank. Jongdae was making him do things that Kyungsoo was not feeling fine with.

“Your new haircut is so horrible. Not even drinking can make you look good anymore.” That someone cut his hair on a whim, in the spur of a moment of loneliness. Somewhat along those lines. Kyungsoo felt spontaneous.

“You still love me and you're still into me, don't deny it.”

“You're flattering yourself, sir,” Jongdae chirped.

“I know I am not trained, but I know when someone's staring at me obviously, especially when I am taking my clothes off.”

Kyungsoo knew Jongdae was blushing, he didn't need to take look. Perhaps just wishful thinking though.

“You've got broad shoulders and I think I have a thing for broad shoulders. You're not better though.” Kyungsoo thought back to their school days, knowing he had it going for Yixing and well, that boy was a god judging his body. Kyungsoo was paling in comparison, he was practically blending into the far background.

“What... do you mean?”

“I've caught you more than often staring at me.” His hormones. Just some raging hormones. “You're not even being subtle, sir.” Kyungsoo and subtle. Even if he was, hiding his more than obvious desires was not part of it, although he had thought that he was doing fine until now, because he couldn't be having the hots for his roommate, for his best best friend.

But yes, there were times where he wouldn't mind the benefits part of being more than just friends.

“You do like my ass. Or my hips? My waist? Any of those. I know.”

“I like them slim, I guess.” Jongdae started laughing and Kyungsoo turned his head for the first time, catching a glimpse or two of Jongdae's long eyelashes before the boy lifted his head up, leaving Kyungsoo too admire his cheekbones up close. Up close was an understatement for the distance in between them. His nose might as well be brushing along fine smooth pale skin and he wouldn't find himself stopping there.

“I'm paling in comparison to Baekhyun. You haven't forgotten, right?” Kyungsoo tightened his grip around Jongdae's waist. He was such a perfect fit. So perfect he'd never really know.

“You're not, it's more like I am paling in comparison to Yixing. Don't have the height, those muscles, the awfully cute Korean accent, just nothing. I wonder if you can really call my shoulders broad.” Kyungsoo started chuckling, the alcohol was working on loosening up his tongue. It was doing well.

“True, you're nothing like Yixing.” The confirmation was real and it stung. It was hard not to care, not when the liquid stirred up his system from within. The slightly less drunk of the two opened the door to their apartment, just happy that they finally reached their destination. That this embarrassment would finally stop—

“You're truly boring, Kyungsoo. It's maddening. You always know everything and sometimes you're so righteous. I hate it, hate it so much... I really really had the hots for Yixing. It was real bad at times, as you obviously know.” Kyungsoo simply stared at Jongdae who broke free from his grip and leaned against the next available wall. “There were many more times after that, where all I could think about were these broad shoulders or those fine muscles, those defined pecs or the way he would say my name in broken Korean while he'd look—“

“Don't do that, Jongdae.” It was more a plea than an order, from the deepest part of his throat. He doubted his voice wasn't husky or extremely laced with anger. Why was this boy out to upset him. Much more, why was he telling Kyungsoo? Even if the alcohol made him spit out more than usual, there was no wish being spoken or given to Kyungsoo.

“He's a lot like Minseok though, especially those abs. You want to touch them, too, right?”

“Believe me when I say I don't.” Maybe he wanted to, but not for the sake of getting close to Minseok, not when he wanted to get his hands on his best friend. _Everywhere_. There was no place of Jongdae's body that he wouldn't want to worship. He knew it very well, because he had seen Jongdae naked a thousand times. The verb only made sense to him when it was being applied to the older male.

“I want to touch them and I want to touch him. Kyungsoo, I really really—“ There was so much Kyungsoo could bear and much more of what he couldn't take. The future lawyer pushed Jongdae's hand away which had been dangerously close to his own crotch.

“Make your point and get to bed.”

“Follow me, be his replacement.” Kyungsoo gritted his teeth. “Kiss me, Kyungsoo. Do me, Kyungsoo, but you can't. You cannot do anything to me—“ A surge of heat and something akin to rage was seeping through his body, hormones jumping over the cliff as he pressed his lips harshly against Jongdae's, so hard the other was gasping for air. Kyungsoo seized the chance, tongue slipping into the older male's cavern. There was no fight for dominance as Jongdae was submitting easily, hands running along Kyungsoo's sides before they were fisting at Kyungsoo's shirt. The older one pushed his body flush against the other's, warmth and desire for much much more filling the thick air around them.

He barely caught onto Jongdae's moans as he bit down on the other's lip, letting it swell in his mouth before letting go to capture the nursery teacher's lips again. Jongdae was willing, so very willing, but—

Kyungsoo pulled away, fist hitting the wall right besides Jongdae's head before he begrudgingly made his way over to their bedroom. The man pushed the door close with a loud thud and sat down on his bed. Not much later, he had his clothes off and hugged the sheets tightly.

Jongdae was not willing for him... Much worse, he had fucking kissed his best friend. No, worse, he had almost made out with him. Kyungsoo was also very much assured that he would have taken Jongdae right there and then. He had never any defences up when it came to Jongdae. That was why it was so hard to come to terms with what he was feeling and trying to hide.

He did hear Jongdae slipping into his bed few metres away but made no further move. Perhaps he was drunk enough to forget. To not remember what Kyungsoo had done.

✪

How awkward a relationship could this be?

Both were sitting at their kitchen table in utter silence. Kyungsoo did not even dare to look up at Jongdae, who looked like he didn't close an eye all night. This in turn made Kyungsoo rather anxious. He should have slept ordinarily good after that much alcohol, after all he didn't throw up. It ultimately led back to Jongdae remembering anything that happened last night.

Kyungsoo just dearly wished it wasn't like that. He didn't want to lose Jongdae.

“I'm sorry.” It only faintly reached his ears but Kyungsoo's head cocked up immediately, scrambled eggs slipping from his chopsticks. “If I did something yesterday, then I am sorry... I didn't mean it, not at all... Yeah, Kyungsoo?” There were this big big puppy eyes looking at the future lawyer and there was only one thing he could do.

“Forgiven.” He didn't know whether to feel heartbroken or extremely pleased. Jongdae could mean anything by not meaning all what he said the night before. Too confusing, too exhausting, too much of a hassle.

“Y-You're the absolute best, you know.”

How wouldn't he know? Kyungsoo simply nodded, eyes on his food which all off a sudden seemed dull and tasteless. He ought to get himself under control quickly. Jongdae after all didn't seem to know much about the previous night. That suited Kyungsoo just fine.

Although not really. He wanted to kiss Jongdae senseless again, until both were in dire need of air. He wanted Jongdae's body close to his, he wanted to hug him. He wanted to make him feel better, any day, every day. Kyungsoo knew himself way too well by now. He could show Jongdae how to appreciate and love himself, because he himself did just that for who knew how long. He could point out all of Jongdae's imperfections and talk the other into accepting them because Kyungsoo himself was loving all of those.

He was such a fucking sap.

“Kyungsoo?”

“Ah, yeah, sorry I was a bit in thoughts,” he answered quickly, hoping Jongdae didn't talk about anything important since he didn't catch any of it. It probably was though and he had just missed all off it. He was so fucking off the hook, someone ought to reel him back in.

“I'll be with Minseok then. He invited me to a cafe, saying that perhaps I needed some very good coffee. See you.” Minseok. _Minseok_. Minseok here. Minseok there. Minseok everywhere. He was getting a goddamn headache. Instead of voicing out what he felt, Kyungsoo simply nodded, inwardly cursing himself for being so much of a coward.

He was doomed.

✪

The days dragged on like this; Kyungsoo was finally graduating from an assistant to a full fledged lawyer, while Jongdae was busy preparing Christmas with the kids at the kindergarten. It was sometimes so fucking late that Kyungsoo was already fast asleep when his friend came home. Sometimes it was the other way around. They probably haven't talked within weeks, although Kyungsoo did not keep count.

He was missing Jongdae. That was stupid because the boy was right next to him and he even hugged him upon hearing about Kyungsoo's achievement. The lawyer still remembered everything about it; the soft scent digging into his nose or the other's gentle warmth, the way his hands had held onto Kyungsoo's shirt.

It was wonderful and Kyungsoo was starting to feel like a love sick puppy. Hint though, Jongdae was not his and he was not Jongdae's puppy. He was still struggling to accept it, because he wanted to support Jongdae who was lately spending more time with Minseok. Kyungsoo could barely remember their gym times and where they tried to compete in order to impress Minseok. He had been awfully stupid. He should have seized his chance years ago.

“Oh, you're here.” Kyungsoo wiped away the sweat on his forehead using the towel that was placed around his neck. Eyes were searching for the voice until he met Minseok's fond and surprised gaze. “Didn't know you would be coming without Jongdae, since you didn't seem to have much fun working out.” He had been this oblivious all this time? Good thing he was not going for Minseok's heart anymore.

The lawyer got down from the bike, wiping the last bit of sweat away from his forehead before looking at the other again. 

“W-Wait...” Kyungsoo ran a hand through his hair, eyes unfocused as he tried to comprehend Jongdae's last text message. Something was off. The male grabbed his cellphone, unlocking it quickly before showing Minseok his best friend's message. “You should be with him right now,” he added after a small while.

From: kitten  
_meeting Minseok at 4pm, don't wait for me with dinner._

“Well, I obviously am not.” Kyungsoo blinked before scrolling through his messages, wondering if perhaps he had missed something. Nothing.

Jongdae lied to him.

“T-Then do you know where he is?” the lawyer acquired and Minseok nodded. Kyungsoo could only roll with his eyes. Why wasn't he telling them right there and then?

“But he doesn't want you to know, I guess, so I won't tell you.” Kyungsoo's body started shaking and he didn't know if it was rage or sadness, perhaps he was scared, too, or neither of all those. Jongdae could be anywhere right now, but if Minseok knew where Jongdae was, then he shouldn't be worrying. The fact that Jongdae didn't tell him was worrisome however. The man must have remembered what Kyungsoo had done and was extremely angry right now or disgusted at his best friend.

He didn't know and it was killing him.

“I'll find him.”

“Use your final chance wisely, Do Kyungsoo.” 

Kyungsoo was about to storm out of the gym, but turned around once more to look at Minseok, who was simply smiling at him. There was no time to be questioning that sentence neither did Kyungsoo know, if he had heard right or if he was just imagining things. He'd probably believe anything people were to tell him by now, if only Jongdae wouldn't lie to him.

Kyungsoo quickly washed himself before jumping into comfortable clothes. He had planned to go home after this, but now Kyungsoo felt compelled to search for his friend, because the man most likely had no way home besides Kyungsoo's car. At least he would use that excuse to drag Jongdae back with him. He would be calling his best friend to take him home if he wanted to, but it was more than crystal clear that Jongdae was upset with Kyungsoo.

The lawyer sighed while scrolling through his contacts, wondering if anyone could actually help him or know about Jongdae's whereabouts. He didn't know many of Jongdae's friends though, just Hyukjae. He however didn't like that guy's guts and his constant flirt attacks on his crush (he admitted it, okay).

Sadly, he didn't have much of a choice. Kyungsoo stared at the screen for a minute before a finger came up to tap the green button next to Hyukjae's name.

It didn't take long for an answer and Kyungsoo could hear music in the background. Seemed like the man was partying again. The fact that Hyukjae picked up, surprised Kyungsoo nevertheless. He was sure that Jongdae's co-worker disliked him as much as Kyungsoo loathed Hyukjae.

“Good you're calling.”

“Huh? We don't even like-”

“I've had some awful tries at trying to sway Jongdae's feelings.” Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, hands moving to start the engine of the car while he put the cell phone on loud.

“They didn't seem to work, seeing you guys are not a couple,” Kyungsoo commented dryly, eyes focused on the street as he made way over to Jongdae's kindergarten. That was at least a place the man loved very dearly, although there couldn't be anyone working at on a Sunday. At least Jongdae shouldn't.

“Obviously I can't compete with his more than apparent crush.”

“Speaking about Jongdae—“

“You're good at changing topics. It's a bit late though.” Were they all trying to confuse him? He just wanted to ask a simple question, so why was Hyukjae interrupting every chance that man got? Kyungsoo grit his teeth, it was not like he had the whole night to search for him.

“You ought to pick your boyfriend up, quickly.”

“What boyfriend?”

“Jongdae.” Kyungsoo ran a hand through his hair but didn't question Hyukjae's statement, because that would ultimately lead to a very long conversation. The man did seem to know about Jongdae's whereabouts though and there was nothing more Kyungsoo wanted to know.

“Where?”

“Ah, no denying and I thought it would never work out for you guys. We're in the gym right besides the kindergarten. You should know that we're having a Christmas party...” Kyungsoo pushed down the speed pedal and made his way over to Jongdae's working place. It was weird that the other didn't tell him anything about that party. Kyungsoo would have allowed him to go either way, so why hide it?

“Judging the way Jongdae behaves, I have the feeling you're not exactly a couple... or together.”

“What is he doing?” Kyungsoo acquired, breath ragged as he tries to actually drive according to the road traffic regulations. He really didn't have the time to accept all these red signs. There were barely any cars on these roads anyway.

“I think... he's a little drunk and there are a lot of single daddies around today. He's rather popular, you know. He's always staying behind, taking care of all the kids with all his heart while always being extremely friendly to everyone. Jongdae is so friendly, one could consider him to be a fool. That aside he's just extremely handsome—“

“Just shut up.” Kyungsoo pressed the red button quickly, having heard enough of Hyukjae's praise and the current circumstances. Did Jongdae actually feel the need to get drunk on alcohol in order to forget Kyungsoo and that kiss? Was it that horrible? Had he actually destroyed everything in between them?

Hyukjae's words echoed through his head for a moment and Kyungsoo sighed. He hadn't ignored Jongdae's feelings for weeks? Months? Years? If so, then he was a horrible best friend and an awful flatmate.

Not even 10 minutes later did Kyungsoo reach that certain gym and quickly exited his car. He searched for the entrance for a minute, cursing to himself that he parked on the wrong side of the building. Upon entering the gym however, he took a look around, eyes searching for a familiar warm and bright smile. Or those kitten lips, high cheekbones and sweet moles?

The building was full of people though, making it hard for Kyungsoo to actually spot his best friend.

“He's just over there.” There was a hand around his arm, pulling Kyungsoo back before someone pointed over to a group of older men standing in a circle. “Man, you were quick to arrive though.” Kyungsoo turned his head, eyes squinting at Hyukjae's bright blond hair. “Now be the knight in shining armour to save him, although something tells me that perhaps Jongdae doesn't want to be saved... by you.” Kyungsoo was about to retaliate but Hyukjae once again didn't give him the slightest of a chance.

“He's never been comfortable around these guys though. I fear they would just take advantage of his selflessness. Like we all do at times.” Kyungsoo tilted his head, ready to walk away and grab Jongdae, but Hyukjae's hand was tightly locked around Kyungsoo's upper arm. He swore to himself that he was going to scream if that guy didn't let go. He had more important things to do.

“Jongdae assured me you would never do that. Go.” Kyungsoo watched Hyukjae's hand disappear before running over to that assembled group of single daddies. Indeed, Jongdae was right in the middle, clinging onto someone Kyungsoo had never seen and honestly, he didn't care about anyone of those. Even if that one was Jesus Christ. He'd still—

“Kim Jongdae.” Everyone turned around and the others who were turned towards him simply stared daggers at him, probably wondering what Kyungsoo wanted, dressed in his gym clothes while sweating profusely. Not even running had him working up such a damp forehead.

Jongdae slowly lifted his head, glassy lost eyes looking at him before they lightened up. Within the second he detached himself from that stranger and hugged Kyungsoo, arms strongly wrapped around the lawyer before he eventually clang to his left arm, cheek rubbing against the naked skin of his biceps.

“Guess I'll be taking him home.”

“Who the fuck are you?” Kyungsoo looked at the stranger before noticing Jongdae looking up at him expectantly. Someone this adorable shouldn't be allowed to wander the earth freely. Kyungsoo couldn't help smiling at the sight of his drunken friend cutely pouting up at him. Jongdae was indeed awfully drunk.

The lawyer didn't feel like explaining though and tried his luck again, lips briefly meeting Jongdae's whose arms slid further to fist at Kyungsoo's tank top.

_Good gracious, you reek, Kim Jongdae._

The lawyer forced out a smile, the smell too hard to bear for him. “I think,” Jongdae voiced and Kyungsoo tried to focus again, because the close proximity wasn't working well for him after that awful kiss, “I love you.” Kyungsoo remained looking at Jongdae, wondering if he should say something. That much was unnecessary though, because his friend was awfully drunk and wouldn't remember a word of his confession.

He wanted Jongdae to experience it. He wanted him to remember and until now he hadn't done a good job. On the other hand, Kyungsoo didn't know if Jongdae was in his right mind? Did he really like Kyungsoo in the same way? Had he failed to notice Jongdae's feelings all this time? If that were the case, then Kyungsoo would be the biggest fool on earth.

“My boyfriend.” Kyungsoo pointed at Jongdae, hoping they all bought the story before dragging the older male towards his car. “How dare you drink alcohol, Jongdae,” he mumbled along the way, enjoying the fresh breeze of air when they were outside again. He took a look at his flatmate and sighed.

“You took me home back then, too.” Kyungsoo blinked, eyes shifting over to Jongdae, who was clinging to his side, barely able to stand or take a step. His entire weight was resting on Kyungsoo, who tried his best to support the other even if he was smaller. “You've helped me so often. You made me think that it was okay to love a man.”

“It is,” Kyungsoo answered after a small while, catching Jongdae's eyesmile and those upturned lips grinning at him.

“I lied to you back then. I didn't think of Yixing when I.... you know.” Kyungsoo continued to stare at Jongdae, who started fidgeting with his hands that were trying to hold onto Kyungsoo's tank top. “I think I had a thing for you. It was too bad that you caught me.”

He couldn't stop the smirk, although Jongdae promptly wiped it away, hand gently slapping the man's face.

“I call it lucky timing.” Jongdae looked curiously at Kyungsoo before tilting his head – in that awfully cute way, which Kyungsoo couldn't resist. “I would have never gotten close to you, if that did not happen.”

“So you can be romantic.”

“Good thing you're drunk.”

“Will you say it back to me then, seeing I won't remember by tomorrow? I'd like to feel better and not forever indebted.”

Kyungsoo opened the door to his car, gently pushing his best friend inside, who relentlessly stared at him. He couldn't say _no_ back then.

“I think, Kim Jongdae, that I really do love you.”

✪

“A pipe bursting at the end of the year, we must be lucky.” Kyungsoo looked at Jongdae, who was spotting a very angry and upset expression. “No fucking toilet, no fucking shower and here I am feeling utterly wasted.” Jongdae turned his head, eyes looking deeply into Kyungsoo's before he shrugged his shoulders. “Aren't you gonna reprimand me?”

He certainly did not remember anything. Kyungsoo didn't know whether he should be relieved or upset. He knew, he couldn't be angry at his best friend for long though. A sheer impossible task.

The lawyer shook his head at Jongdae's question, who only continued to look at him. He certainly wanted to say something, that much was clear for Kyungsoo, but the boy was perfect at holding himself back.

“Until this is fixed, we could stay at Minseok's. I asked him.” Well, waking up to a pipe bursting wasn't Kyungsoo's idea of a nice weekend either. He didn't have a choice. Jongdae was going to be with him as well. Minseok wasn't interested in Jongdae either. This decision couldn't be bad anymore.

“Of course, let's pack.”

Both managed to fill up their bags quite quickly before leaving the house. Good thing, the whole house was having a problem due to the pipe bursting. This way, they didn't need to stay and watch anyone fix this mess. Kyungsoo really would have liked for Jongdae to just rest and enjoy himself, since the man was having the headache of his life. At least he said that.

“Sorry to intrude on you,” Jongdae apologised when the two of them reached Minseok's flat. The man simply smiled at them and ushered them inside, since it was freaking cold outside.

“No problem really. I would have been celebrating the new year alone. This way, it's much better.”

“You should have told us, we would have come over any time,” Kyungsoo replied, putting his bag into the corner of the room Minseok introduced to be their bedroom. It was a guest room with a big mattress in the middle. The decoration was simple and spare, it almost didn't exist. It struck Kyungsoo, that perhaps Minseok wanted to keep this open for someone to move in. There wasn't any furniture either.

It was only a little later that he caught Jongdae staring at him. He seemed confused.

“Can I take a nap? I... had a bad day yesterday,” he suddenly said and Minseok nodded right away. 

“Of course, you can join us once you wake up and feel better. If you need anything, tell me. Okay, Jongdae?” Minseok asked and there was this faint smile on his lips, overly fond of the person across of him and Kyungsoo could understand too well. There was no day in history where Kyungsoo wasn't fond of Jongdae. Not even back then in their volleyball practices where they were strangers.

Jongdae went to lie down while Kyungsoo and Minseok started their movie marathon of _Harry Potter_. They had all the time of the world until midnight, although none of them were going to take part in the fireworks for the celebration of another year. Kyungsoo only silently prayed that he might get to confess before 12am. Another year with Jongdae remaining a friend was not going to cut it for the lawyer.

It was right into _Half-Blood Prince_ that Jongdae joined them. Kyungsoo wanted to make some space for his friend, so he could sit in between Minseok and himself, but Jongdae immediately chose to sit on Kyungsoo's right side, far away from Minseok. It took Kyungsoo by surprise but honestly, he couldn't be happier when Jongdae moved closer. He didn't dare putting an arm around the other though.

“You feeling better?” he asked quietly, head moving closer until his nose accidentally bumped against Jongdae's ear, courtesy to his best friend moving closer at the worst possible moment. Kyungsoo leaned back immediately but not before he caught Jongdae's lingering gaze on his lips. He simply nodded though and the lawyer nodded as well, heart beating to a rhythm that Kyungsoo could only call disturbingly quick.

How could he always ignore these feelings? Ignorance must have been bliss.

It was not much later, during Snape's undeniably sad death in _Harry Potter_ that Kyungsoo noticed an arm around his midst. Big doe eyes stared at Jongdae latched onto him like a panda, cutely snoring away without a care in the world.

“So you confessed?”

“Have I been obvious?”

“Awfully much, both of you.” Kyungsoo laughed slightly, but not loud enough to disturb Jongdae's sleep. To think that he could sleep at all times, even if he had just taken a nap. Jongdae sure was special.

“I didn't though. I don't know... when. I am hopeless, Minseok.” He looked over at their personal trainer, who only patted his left shoulder.

“Do it when you feel comfortable. There's no way Jongdae will not accept you. After all...” Kyungsoo stared at Minseok, practically hanging onto his every word. He knew that they had always been meeting after they met for the first time at the gym. It was certainly not because the two of them were dating. That much was finally clear by now.

“Jongdae and I... we shared the same fate.” Minseok smiled at Kyungsoo briefly before continuing. “We both thought we were in love with someone who didn't like us back. Turns out, I am the only one now with this one-sided crush.”

“I am—”

“It’s alright, Kyungsoo. I am very happy for you two, finally…” Minseok faded off, eyes focused on the TV in front of them. The younger male could easily tell that their personal trainer was deeply engrossed in _Harry Potter_ once again and he considered talking now to be a disturbance, especially for the panda latched onto him like glue. Dark hues glanced down at Jongdae, how the light illuminated the bridge of his nose, the glossy lips, the smooth skin and the moles beneath the male’s ear.

Jongdae was just that beautiful.

 

Soon after Harry Potter ended, the three of them watched the fireworks through the window. Minseok was standing on the far right while Kyungsoo had one arm wrapped around Jongdae’s waist. The male was still sleepy, could barely open his eyes but whined about not being able to see the fireworks, if they kept on sitting there. The lawyer could only roll his eyes, but followed the slightly older male towards the window.

Well, now or nothing, Kyungsoo told himself—

“You guys should brush your teeth. And then get to bed. Let’s enjoy the morning with my selfmade breakfast,” Minseok chirped and Kyungsoo found himself nodding, chance slipping away from beneath his nose. Jongdae’s eyes however were locked onto Kyungsoo’s, simply staring at the male and making him feel giddy. He seemed to be awake by now.

So he let go of Jongdae and made his way over to the bathroom, almost stumbling over the carpet because he was suddenly feeling so nervous. “You, too,” he heard Minseok saying before heavy steps fell in line with his own. Kyungsoo fetched his toothbrush, promptly handing Jongdae his own before both started brushing their teeth properly, eyes on the mirror in front of them, but while the older male was definitely staring at Kyungsoo, the lawyer averted the other’s eyes on purpose.

How was he supposed to look at the elder and not kiss him senseless in the same moment?

When Jongdae moved behind Kyungsoo, the younger male wanted to run away, but the nursery teacher only bowed down to rummage through his small bag. The lawyer spit out the goddamn toothpaste and rinsed his mouth until he turned on his heels, looking over Jongdae who was seemingly searching for something in his bag. He started to take everything out, putting it onto the ground as his hands fished through what was still left in it.

“Ah shit,” he cursed, lips curling into a pout.

_No, don’t pout._

“I forgot my pajama, Kyungsoo.” The voice was whiny and sad and Kyungsoo really loved this troubled mess, even though Jongdae always acted so mature when they were alone. So he grabbed his own and threw it at the other male’s face. The elder started whining again but put it on either way. It fit him easily, accentuating his slim, waist although the shirt was a bit too wide on the older male.

“You really do have broad shoulders,” Jongdae murmured and Kyungsoo turned around to take off his clothes until he was left in his boxers. He was just about to turn around and leave for the guest room, when he caught sight of Jongdae staring at him, gaze undefined.

“Like what you see?” Kyungsoo joked, not intending to be serious or even expecting an honest answer, but he should have known better.

“I do.” Jongdae looked down at himself, lifting up the pajama shirt to reveal his soft stomach and the faint outlines of a six pack. “Do… you?” Kyungsoo’s eyes fell onto the ground, heart thrumming in his chest as he tried not to follow his instincts. The lawyer walked over, whacking Jongdae’s hand of the shirt before smiling, sweetly and genuinely.

“You know how much I do and I don’t care if there’s a soft tummy or a six pack or whatever. Jongdae, you’re beautiful in any way. I like what I see. Every day and every night, whenever you’re at my side. I… probably did so for a very long time already. I mean, I probably did have a thing for you in high school already, but I couldn’t admit it to myself. I have to now though. I have to grab my chances with you, Jongdae.” Kyungsoo felt two arms sneaking around his frame as Jongdae hid his face in the crook of the younger male’s neck, body pressed flush against Kyungsoo’s.

“I like you,” Jongdae admitted sheepishly, hot breath ghosting along his neck but Kyungsoo only nudged the other using his nose. When the elder leaned back to look at the lawyer, Kyungsoo seized his chance and captured Jongdae’s lips in a brief yet very passionate kiss that told Jongdae everything he needed to know.

He was right, Jongdae’s lips were sweet.

“I like you, too—”

“Just how much more time do you guys need??” Both heard Minseok scream from the outside and Jongdae jumped away in shock before running outside. Kyungsoo followed suit and it didn’t take much more than a moment for the elder to drag him into the guest room. Kyungsoo didn’t miss the wink directed at Minseok anyhow, when he was pushed down onto the big mattress seconds later, the door falling close with a thud.

“And now we can make love,” he whispered, but Kyungsoo only pushed Jongdae down before boldly grabbing the male in a headlock.

“We sleep.”

“You’re never any fun.”

“I am sorry you like some boring dude,” Kyungsoo sighed, but Jongdae only cackled.

“I knew that when I suggested for you to take Joonmyeon’s place, but you changed everything for me.” Kyungsoo’s lips pressed a gentle kiss to Jongdae’s hair as his arms slowly wrapped around that small waist. “You’re wonderful the way you are.”

“You’re being sappy, Dae.”

“Shut up.”

Both started chuckling as Jongdae turned in Kyungsoo’s arms, wanting to look at the younger male once more before he closed his eyes. “Good night, Jongdae.”

“Stay by my side, yes?” Kyungsoo almost didn’t hear the question, although Jongdae was this close to him.

“Haven’t I all this time?”

“To my utter surprise.”

“You’re really my kind of idiot, Jongdae.”

There was this faint little smile on Jongdae’s face and Kyungsoo really hoped dearly that it would stay there. That they would stay the way they were.


End file.
